How to be a woman 101

CONTENT WARNING: Contains triggering themes relating to sexism, victim blaming, physical and sexual violence. This piece is designed to provoke thought and be a very sarcastic social commentary on some of the bullshit I’ve (and many others) heard over the years, in the style of a spoken word piece. This piece does not reflect any of my own opinions, nor is it meant to indicate that any other genders ‘have it easy’. We all know that is not the case. Any abusive comments will be blocked and reported. Reader discretion is very strongly advised.

Congratulations, you are a woman! Now, in your journey into the big bad world of womanhood, allow me to let you in on a few pointers:

Wear pink. Especially on Wednesdays. Pink is a girl’s colour. Don’t go near men who wear pink. Again, it’s a girl’s colour. Did you play with dolls and not trucks growing up? Very good.

Smile more. Even if you don’t feel the need to. If you don’t, someone will tell you anyway. It’s only because they care. They may even care about your happiness so much, they’ll follow you halfway home until you do! So go on girl, show that creepy stranger those pearly whites. They’re only trying to help…and you’ll look so much prettier if you do.

When choosing your outfit for the day, remember to ask yourself if it is ‘safe’. Any bright colours or midriffs showing? Any provocative materials or ankles being glimpsed at? Keep in mind, ‘safe’ is different to different people, so who knows of you’ll get catcalled by those creepy white van men? Either way, it’s your fault.

Think of it like this: what was I wearing to make the white van man shout that he wanted to shag me? What was I expecting wearing a normal t-shirt and jeans? Of course that’ll get you a ‘I want to fuck your tight arsehole!’ Or a nice dress for going out? That’ll definitely get a few honking horns or whistles. Maybe even a slow driving next to you while they try to ask for your number. Go you! Or a full winter coat, hat and boots? They don’t say ‘leave to the imagination’ for nothing! Or a… *voice fading out as she carries on and on. You know what women can be like for talking about clothes!*

All covered up head to toe and someone still bothers you? It was probably how you acted. For some guys, just you walking down the street is enough to send them into an uncontrollable, sexual rage. Think of them, sweetie. You can control you sexual urges. They can’t.

Don’t be surprised if you get called a ‘fat bitch’ or ‘cunt’ for saying no. I wouldn’t recommend talking back, though. It could get real nasty for you real quick. However, I also recommend talking back. If you don’t, they could take it as rejection, and they REALLY don’t like that. So either way, depending on what mood they’re in, it could get real nasty for you real quick.

Wear makeup. But not too much. Men like natural on women, and if you want to branch out and express with colour or glitter, that’s just false advertising. Remember ‘take her swimming on the first date’? Don’t wear what you wouldn’t at the pool. But do. I mean come on, what man would wants to see those baggies under the eyes? Are you trying to distract him from his work? By being tired from all the cooking, cleaning, the kids waking up all night while your husband didn’t help a jot? TIRED? How inconsiderate!

Be smart, but not too much. Guys don’t like dumb bimbos, but don’t want someone smarter than them. That’s intimidating to them. They don’t like intimidating. Be able to have a conversation with him, but remember: DO. NOT. SAY. ANYTHING. HE. MIGHT. CONSIDER. TOO. SMART. FOR. A. WOMAN. Nod. Smile. Laugh at that awful, sexist joke. Remember, if you don’t, you’re just stuck up and need to get a sense of humour!

Now let’s talk sex! Your sexuality is purely for the men in your life’s pleasure. And if you’re not attracted to men. Even better! They love watching two women going at it, and don’t be surprised if they get angry if you say no to kissing your bestie on the bus. It’s for them, remember? Not you! Jesus, don’t be so bloody slutty thinking it’s about YOU. Men don’t like sluts, remember? Except when they do. And remember, if they do, you’re a slut for them, not because you just like to have sex.

Remember: With sex, like everything else, it doesn’t matter what you want. How are you supposed to keep your man if you don’t do everything he likes, even if you don’t like it? Boundaries are just for those frigid girls anyway. It’s his right as your boyfriend or husband to do whatever he wants with you. It’s not about your pleasure, unless it makes him feel good. The clitoris? Who told you about that? That’s the Devil’s Doorbell that is, a feminist myth! You? Pleasure? Ha!

Do purely what HE wants. It’s. Not. About. You. So if he wants anal, even it you don’t want to? Do it. Send him nudes even though you know he’ll show all his friends and you don’t want that? Send them. They end up on a revenge porn site after you broke up? Well, you shouldn’t have been such a slut sending nudes, even though he blackmailed you to into it.

If he wants to go unprotected during sex, do it. You can just take a morning after pill in the morning, right? Oh, and birth control is solely your responsibility. If you’re on the pill, why should he have to do anything? And if you get pregnant? Well, you shouldn’t have been such a whore spreading your legs, even if he didn’t take your no for an answer and did it anyway.

And on that note, have children. Lots of them. But not too many. That is your job. Why do think God made you a woman? So spread those legs, get sprogged up and push them out. But don’t, unless you’re married. Remember, men will always go after sluts but they’ll never marry one! Prepare to be judged even more for the rest of your life when raising tiny humans. But what do you mean you don’t want children? How selfish! Didn’t you know the gift of life is the best thing you could ever contribute to the world?

So I’ve given you a few pointers. What do you think? Remember, that’s just the tip of the iceberg, and ALWAYS remember: It’s not about you.

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5 thoughts on “How to be a woman 101

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