Trust is one of the central elements of every healthy relationship. You can love someone with all your heart, but if you don’t trust them then what’s the point?

When I met my boyfriend, I knew pretty much straight away I could trust him. Through his words and actions and the time we spent alone together, I knew he was trustworthy. Also, given that my sister and bother-in-law had known him a number of years, they could vouch for him. Plus my parents also liked him. It definitely helps when your folks actually like the person you’re dating!!

Trust and respect are what I value pretty much all of my relationships on. I don’t see how I would be able to form a meaningful relationship with someone without that. Both are earned and love can grow from that, be it platonic friendship or a romantic partner.

On the flip side, I’ve also had the ‘trust card’ thrown back in my face as well. With ex, saying ‘get home safe’ when driving long distances (we were in LDR) meant I didn’t trust him. Being uncomfortable and saying no with his suggestion of having unprotected sex (without a condom) so early in the relationship meant I ‘didn’t trust him’ either. With him, trusting meant ‘not questioning’.

As we all know, that experience made me very anxious for a while but I don’t wish to concentrate on that. In relation to this post however, it took me a long time to properly trust a man (most people aren’t like that, I know. But even if you trust someone implicitly, it takes a while for one’s survival instincts to catch up) again with the most vulnerable parts of myself.

When experimenting with kinky sex came up, I wouldn’t have been able to take those steps without trusting my boyfriend. Trusting someone with your kinks takes a LOT of trust. Not only that, it takes some doing to be able to go to your partner and say, “Hey babe, how do feel about tying me up and going full primal big guy on me?”

Especially if you’re the bottom or submissive in said kinky sex, you both need to trust each other. He trusts that if something’s not for me, if we’re trying something and mid-way through figure I don’t like it and want to stop, I’ll tell him and vice versa.

I trust that he’s not being blasé when any kind of sadomasochism is involved, knowing if he’s going to use a paddle he’ll rub the sting away before swatting again.

Sharing such personal desires with one you’re intimate with meant being vulnerable, and without trusting him, I couldn’t be vulnerable.

You get the idea!

One thing I also noticed, was when I was at Eroticon this year. Being around the lovely folks I’ve the privilege of being online friends with was wonderful. What I noticed, particularly at the meet and greets and socials, was the overall level of trust in the atmosphere.

Normally when being in a public bar setting on a Friday/Saturday night, it’s not uncommon (especially so for us girls) to have some form of your guard up. It’s safe to say around random and drunk strangers, we’re not the most trusting of people. Even on what’s meant to be a relaxing night out you’re on guard, if in the event of that one maniac that might bother you.

That didn’t happen there. I remember when sitting around a barrel table, drink in hand talking to fantastic people, either known from online or meeting for the very first time, I didn’t feel the need for any of my guard to be up.

Being in a room of sex writers and BDSM enthusiasts who pride themselves on trust and respect gave me a lot of comfort. As well, being able to build new friendships and strengthen existing ones reinforces and builds trust as well.

If I’m being completely honest, no word of exaggeration when I say, it’s the first time I’ve ever been in a public place on a Friday/Saturday night and felt 100% safe and relaxed.

I knew I wasn’t going to be bothered or harassed, so I could just enjoy a lovely night with some good company, whom I trust. So from this typically anxious woman, thank you!

All my love,

Violet xx

*Picture – Pinterest