As time has gone on and I’ve been exploring my kinks, it’s interesting how hindsight can play a massive part in our choices for the future.
Exploring my sexually submissive side for the last few years has been a big deal for me. Having been going through the last leg of my trauma therapy when I started this blog, it was the same time I really started to explore my sexuality regarding BDSM, through writing, which then led to exploring further in the bedroom itself. As time has passed and I’ve documented my thoughts here, a thought recently crossed my mind:
Have I been seeing submission wrong this entire time?
I’ve been going over my feelings, preconceptions and the knowledge I’ve picked up over the years from blogs, documentaries, professionals in BDSM and books, and I seem to be re-thinking/unlearning a few perspectives. A few that in some ways, I didn’t realise I had:
BEING ‘BELOW’ THE DOMINANT
From society’s inherent sexism throughout history, being a woman in the world means constantly being told what you ‘should’ be doing. You should be subservient to men. You should be not going to work and being a full-time homemaker. You should have children. You should wear this/that. You should act like this/that. The list is endless.
As a woman who likes being sexually submissive (I’m a switch), as well as having a few traditional traits in my personality, it can sometimes be difficult not to internalise those ‘shoulds’ when exploring something I really enjoy. It can be difficult not to see myself as ‘below’ the dominant, in particular if they are a man, sometimes. Exploring submission has meant unlearning social expectations for me as a woman, as well as unlearning all the misconceptions I had about BDSM.
FEELING THE NEED TO ‘FIT IN’
Fitting in has never been my thing. I’ve tried, but I’m my own unique, weird little self and that’s never going to change. The more I’ve embraced myself, the happier I’ve overall been. So when it comes to submission, reading people’s own journeys through exploring sexual submission, part-time kinky times, even 24/7 D/s arrangements, I found myself projecting their own personal journey on to myself. Again, with the inner ‘should’.
One word of advice: The sooner you realise your kinks and what you enjoy is unique to you, the better. Even if I know someone who shares exactly the same kinks as I do and has exactly the same thought processes around them, we’re each going to be different in how we go about them.
As time has gone on I’ve learned: There’s something for everyone. There’s a dynamic for everyone. There’s no ‘One True Way’ as it’s often called. But for some reason it’s only just really clicked in my brain recently.
The only ‘one true way’ if you will is safely, and consensually with limits respected and safewords. If that isn’t the foundation of any practice, kink or vanilla, you can forget it.
NOT ALL WHIPS AND CHAINS
Again, one of the big things in my learning, is learning that kink dynamics doesn’t mean all sadomasochism. In fact, it doesn’t have to involve any sadomasochism at all.
It’s ok if you’re not into that. You’re still a kinky person if you don’t like a common kink, like spanking or flogging. It’s perfectly ok to say no to those things and like anywhere else, your ‘no’ can and should be respected.
I’m a Soft Dom girl at heart. My ideal Dom/me is the Soft Dom/me. The Dominant who likes their cuddles and gentle coaxing to come for them (unf) but knows exactly when to be rough. The ones who will go back and forth with you as you playfully brat, then pin you against the wall and spank you before fucking you into a pile of submissive jelly to remind you just who you belong to (consensually, of course. Again, UNF).
I can’t say I’m a masochist, and I have to have that softness to balance out the harder dominant moments I like. Without the softness, I have no balance. You might as well be turning on a tap and going from hot straight to cold and no warm in between. It just isn’t me without it.
But that’s just it: you don’t have to be into the things I’ve just mentioned to be kinky.
Don’t like getting spanked? That’s absolutely fine.
Don’t want to get choked? Ok.
Don’t want any kind of pain or impact play whatsoever? That’s completely valid.
That’s the whole point of kinks, and any other intimate thing for that matter: You do not have to do anything you do not want to. Any play, vanilla or kinky, should be done safely and consensually.
FUNISHMENT, NOT PUNISHMENT
As we know, punishment can and does with consenting partners, play a part in BDSM dynamics. I for one, cannot do punishments. It just makes me feel too uneasy.
Funishments, or ‘play punishments’ however, I have a guilty pleasure for. The roleplay of being disciplined purely for the intention of having fun, getting turned on and exploring that kind of power exchange, that’s where I feel safest in exploring that.
It took me a while to fully accept that I didn’t have to do punishments in order to be a ‘proper’ kinky person, but I have and I feel much more content about it.
SO WHAT NOW?
As time has gone on, the more comfortable I’m starting to feel in how I express and navigate my kinks. I feel more confident in saying that some more common kinks might not be my cup of tea, and that more niche kinks might be a hard limit.
It’s easy to say that BDSM and kink is one cookie cutter thing, and if you’re not it’s considered ‘fringe’. But I suppose that is the beauty of it, that there is no one way to be.
Your submission can be in cuddles and kisses or floggers and pinwheels, and both are equally valid. I feel much more comfortable in saying that I prefer, as a switch, a majority softer domination style with those tid-bits of harder stuff in between.
It’s ok not to fit inside a box.
It’s ok to just like the soft stuff.