CONTENT WARNING: Mentions of depression and suicide. Reader discretion is advised.
“Don’t Worry About The Darkness In My Soul. It Ignites Me Like An Embered Coal.” – Anon
I suppose it’s quite easy to say we all have a ‘dark side’.
But of course, this is subjective is to what ‘dark side’ people refer to. Sexy time with a partner? An otherwise magnanimous-to-all person standing up to someone and verbally tearing them a new one? Or do they mean something more sinister, like committing crimes? Like I said, the term ‘dark side’ can refer to many things.
I’ve talked on my blog about dark times I’ve been through. Traumatic events and how I reacted to them. I don’t like that darkness, how I was so depressed, so anxious, wanting the pain to stop by contemplating a very permenant method to a temporary, but what felt like never-ending, despair.
This quote talks about using the darkness in one’s soul to ignite embers, for it to be a driving force rather than a hindrance. I’ll be honest: I don’t know how to feel about this.
Looking back to when I had my breakdown, and in the months before when I was seriously depressed, I can’t say that those times ignite embers in me, far from it. That being said, I suppose the only way it might do, is a reminder to keep moving forward, as that’s not a place I wish to return to. I never want to feel that desperation for the pain to stop by ending things again. I never want to feel that anxious to the point where I couldn’t function in menial everyday tasks. That drive not to go back, is enough of an igniting for me.
So what darkness does ignite embers in me?
I suppose kink is widely considered a ‘dark side’, to me in a sexy way. Up until I was 23 when I started this blog, I didn’t share my kinks and erotic writings with a community of like-minded people as I do now. It took me a long time until my late teens, when I started learning more about BDSM, not to feel like a ‘freak’ or that there was something wrong with me, because I enjoy fantasies about bondage and D/s and the pleasure I get from that, be it giving or receiving.
Being able to be more in touch, more exploring about my sexuality regarding BDSM, has helped me peel back the layers of myself to the core of who I sexually am. Still, exploring and learning never stops, but before, I was only able to feel truly sexually myself, in fantasy land at one point, be it vanilla or kinky. Having my kinky fantasies of D/s play, regardless if Dominant or submissive, being a switch, ignites this flame in me that’s almost impossible to describe.
It’s deep, full, fiery, like a sultry night with your lover surrounded by golden candlelight and no holds barred on your desires. Being seduced by your own desires, if you will. They’re allowed to let loose and roam free, indulging in pleasure so chocolatey-delicious that it’s like that naughty, rich treat we have after a gorgeous meal. That’s the nearest I can describe it, like a golden firelight glow.