I’ve yet to be in a position where I am being ‘trained’ by someone who is heavily experienced in the art of the kink. And with training, as in a Dominant training a submissive, I’m yet to develop a strong opinion on it.

Because this isn’t something I’ve experienced first-hand, I don’t wish to waste anyone’s time by writing a post where I just go, “Ehhh? I dunno!” on something I’ve no idea what I’m talking about! So, while I may not be entirely speaking about training in the strictest sense of the word, I hope I can offer some thoughts, if very, very inexperienced.

Earlier this year, me and my lovely sister Wanda, a romance writer & reviewer, had the pleasure of attending Eroticon. For those who don’t know, Eroticon is a yearly convention where sex bloggers, writers, sex toy companies, BDSM enthusiasts etc. and all and everyone under that umbrella, come together.

There’s talks, networking, this year you could learn to make your own flogger (pretty cool!) and demonstrations (this year involved vac play and rope suspension). It was certainly an experience for us both and we’re wishing to return next year if we can.

Being able to meet the people I interact with regularly on the internet and many of whom I consider friends, was wonderful. As well as meeting new people and finding their blogs etc. The community is huge. Many of the blogs I follow are people in D/s and/or BDSM arrangements, or partake in it at some point. Some are or have been sex workers. Some are monogamous. Others are polyamorous. Others run their own events. Like I said, the community is huge and incredibly diverse.

Being there, meeting people in the flesh, watching different demos happening (I chickened out of trying the vac cube, but next year I’m determined to!) I was able to learn more and was referred to different kink events by people who either run them, know those who do, and have been involved in kink related shenanigans for 20+ years, and have a good rep.

From you lovely people, I could learn more by seeing it right in front of me. Let’s face it, as much as I love reading and writing, there’s only so much a book can do, opposite seeing a rope suspension right in front of me. As well, from reading fantastic blog posts, I see a different perspective and different approaches. A bit like an outsider looking in, if you will.

Now on the form of training, in the context of a Dom/me training their new sub etc. like I said, it’s not something I have particularly strong opinions on. As well that I don’t know enough about it, everyone’s different.

Whenever I’ve seen training being mentioned, either in IRL dynamics or stories, it’s always been a consensual negotiation of a goal wanting to be achieved, but like anything, needs practice. I.e. anal training, or deepthroat training etc. A learning experience, and like anything, we never stop learning.

Hypothetically speaking, if I was entering a Dom/sub arrangement (I’m a switch, currently submissive leaning) with someone from the BDSM scene, being an inexperienced newb, I would need a lot of guidance. Preferably from someone who has a lot of experience, and obviously, a good reputation.

So I’d see that as like ‘training’ where I’m learning under their guidance as a newbie to the scene, as well as being trained by them to achieve something, such as position training. Like learning on the job, so to speak. Or from a mentor or if I was under someone’s protection about best practices and whom to avoid etc.

However, recently I saw something on social media to do with training, where some were calling out dynamics of a Dom/me wanting to train a sub for kinks they enjoyed, and the sub had no say in this. This, to me, didn’t ring right, and goes against everything I personally stand for. What’s the point in a consensual arrangement, where you can negotiate, if you can’t have a say in what you do or don’t do? To me that’s abuse and not right, BDSM or otherwise.

As far as would I be open for training? If my boyfriend is up for it, like learning new rope ties (he’s agreed to be my little ginuea pig for practicing Shibari ties on) or being able to fully deepthroat him, I’m down for that! There’s something quite comforting about the thought of someone guiding you for a goal you both want to reach.

All my love,

Violet xx