Dominant, not domineering

Dominance is a recurring theme throughout nature and mankind.

A person can assert dominance as the manager of a company.

The strongest lion shows their dominance as alpha of the pack with roaring, flexing and a harem of females with whom to mate and reproduce with.

Someone indirectly showing dominance through confidence and/or respect earned from their peers.

The list goes on.

I think there’s often a misconception that ‘dominant’ is synonymous with ‘domineering’, demanding respect rather than earning it.

Especially in the kinky scenes, where the common stereotype in the “everyday world” as it were, is just that dominants (particularly men) are abusive, manipulative and dangerous, that their submissives have to obey everything and anything they say, whether they like it or not.

While unfortunately, there are some individuals like this, that’s not because of being kinky. They are simply using that as a means to take advantage of people. They are not dominants, they are jerks.

As well, there are some individuals with the conception of ‘you do everything I say because I’m the dominant, just because’ to anyone and everyone, through lack of education and terrible misrepresentation through mainstream media.

Again, with those who know what they are doing and keep with the core values of consent, respect and communication (Basically being a decent human being. I’m not an educator or expert, these are my own opinions.) wouldn’t dream of acting like this towards people.

Unfortunately, I don’t think mainstream media wants to know this, rather focussing solely on the handcuffs and the ones, fictional or otherwise, that give good Doms a bad name (I’m looking at you Fifty Shades!) rather than the good people who practice safely and consensually with their partners.

Basically, don’t be a jerk. Don’t be a vanilla jerk. Don’t be a kinky jerk. Just ex-nay on the jerkiness!

To me, dominance shows a confidence and self-assuredness that personally, makes me feel at ease when I am around it. I have always enjoyed being around dominant personalities I respect and, both sexually and non-sexually, found dominance compatible with certain submissive traits in my personality.

I briefly spoke in the past about how comfortable I felt at Eroticon, especially so during the social functions. It was my first time being with others in the sex blogging community IRL, including BDSM enthusiasts and people in D/s arrangements with their respective partners.

I was unsure of how to properly word my thoughts, elaborating on how I felt around people, whom in this context, identify as Dominants (whether temporarily or as often as they can as part of a lifestyle) as I did not wish to specifically name anyone out of respect to anonymity.

As well, I didn’t want to express my thoughts in a way that would be inadvertently disrespectful. So I will say: you know who you are and I enjoyed your company very much!

I mentioned that it was the first time in a public bar on a weekend that I felt 100% safe as a young woman, and I still stand by that. It was an experience being in a kink-esque space that I’d read often about, where perception of one’s personalities seem much more finite than in everyday life, so to speak.

While outside my comfort zone as I was with travelling and in new social settings, it’s difficult not to feel like you have to be in control of yourself, and by that I mean not letting your nerves show for fear of what others might think.

As well as the welcoming environment, I found myself feeling completely at ease from the self-assuredness exuded by the Dominants I spoke to.

I admired how comfortable they were in their own skin and how the everyday power struggles between people was practically non-existent. I felt comforted by this, being around other like-minded folks in the flesh, feeling like I could just be, without judgement.

Their dominant personality was never imposed on me, just as any submissive traits I have was not imposed upon them. It just was. I knew exactly where I stood.

I knew my boundaries were completely respected without anyone having to say and vice versa. I could be around complete strangers and know I’d be ok. Given the bullshit that usually happens in bars on Saturday nights (we’ve all had that gropey stranger that won’t take no for an answer) it was mightily refreshing!

I spoke with Wanda (my lovely sister who came with me to Eroticon) about this in our hotel room and when we got home, curious to know how she felt being in a new space and around such an eclectic melting-pot of people.

Regarding my thoughts on being around those who were openly Dominant, she said she felt the same, or as she lovingly coined it: ‘The Obama Effect.’

All politics aside here, personality-wise he was (and still is) hella smooth, just commanding his surroundings in a way that said (Wanda’s words verbatim!):

‘It’s alright folks, I’ve got it all covered!’

Wanda in her infinite wisdom sums it up a lot better than I can!! πŸ˜‚

All my love,

Violet xx

*Picture – Pinterest

8 thoughts on “Dominant, not domineering

  1. This is really interesting Violet. I totally agree with you about the Dominants I have met too. They are far more respectful and nurturing than the stereotype would have us believe. There is a definite distinction between Dominant and domineering too so I am really pleased that you highlighted that.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It is good to see someone writing about decent people in the dominant community. So many time you just read about the asshats. Shure, its important to know they are out there and what to look out for but it’s nice to see someone recognize that good respectful doms are out there. Thanks for the great post.

    Liked by 1 person

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