I don’t belong to anyone

I have a very fiery relationship with those four words: You belong to me.

I hear it in movies, read it in books, see it in relationships, where the person is supposedly declaring their love for the other person and using those four words that make me want to shrivel up: You belong to me.

Those words make me want to run a mile from anyone who says it. I take the Holly Golightly approach to this statement: People don’t belong to people.

Having said that, I can’t help but feel like a bit of a hypocrite when I say I hate those dreaded words. I like hearing those words in dirty talk and in the bedroom. I like hearing the You’re mine‘s and other signs of dominance, with a consenting adult in a loving relationship. If you’re in a BDSM or D/s getup, where that terminology is often used, you like it and consent to it, then fine. I have no issue with that. You do you.

But in everyday life? Nope. Absolutely not. Can’t do it. It’s like nails scraping on a chalkboard for me. *shudders*

My boyfriend has said this to me at times, in joking and meant as a sign of affection. He found out I wasn’t keen when immediately, I hopped on the defensive.

“I don’t belong to anyone.” I said, “I may belong with you, but I don’t belong to you. You don’t own me and I don’t own you. The only person I belong to is me.”

He understood this and isn’t the type to try and exercise ownership over me (not speaking in a consensual kinky context here) That’s not healthy and it’s abusive. If he did I’d have ran a mile a long time ago, screaming all the way.

Not long ago, he came home baffled by an old colleagues’ comments to him earlier that evening. She was flabbergasted that he, in as many words, doesn’t keep tabs on me like other men she knew did with their girlfriends.

“But don’t you worry who she’s talking to and who she’s hanging out with?” he told me she had said in completely bewilderment.

“No,” he replied, “Why would I?”

It was like if he wasn’t constantly keeping tabs on me (abusive by the way, don’t do it!) then heaven forbid, I’d be going behind his back. I’m not that kind of woman, he knows that, whilst I know he’s definitely not the type of man to do that.

I’ve seen this before in other relationships around me and it’s always bothered me greatly. It’s a toxic part of relationships that, in some ways, has become normalised. We see comedy skits about it. We see it around us every day on the TV, movies and everyday life. The thought process of: because you are with someone, then that gives you the right to exercise ownership over them and try to control them, both men and women being on the receiving end.

He couldn’t quite believe how she genuinely couldn’t get her head around the fact that he wasn’t, essentially, keeping me under lock and key. It does bother me when there are those who say, So he gives you a lot of freedom. That’s good of him!

He doesn’t give me freedom, I have freedom. I don’t give him freedom, he has freedom. It’s a human right. I’m a grown-ass woman with my own life, my own likes and dislikes etc. I’m an incredibly free-spirited person in my nature. I don’t and shouldn’t have to ask my boyfriend permission for the freedom I have and neither should he for his.

We’re not perfect by any means. We disagree, we argue sometimes, we’ll lock horns like any other couple. Relationships are never easy and take a lot of work, no matter how much you love each other. While I’m no expert by any means, that much is sure for certain!

If freedom is a term and condition in your relationship, my only piece of advice is: get the hell of out of there.

All my love,

Violet xx

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