When your family knows you write about erotica, sex and BDSM

TRIGGER WARNING: Mention of sexual abuse and PTSD in this post. Reader discretion is advised.

For many of us bloggers out in the world, only a select few know about our blogs, particularly if they’re about erotica, sex, and/or everything else in that line of subject. Some of these select few could be friends, other bloggers etc.

I wrote in a past post that my immediate family know that I write erotic fiction. In regards to the non-fiction posts I’ve written regarding sex, BDSM, D/s, kink, fetish themes etc. they also know about that, as well.

When I say immediate family, I mean specifically Mum, Dad and sister.

I’m lucky in that my folks are an open-minded, supportive bunch. So when I started branching out in to writing erotic fiction, they couldn’t say they were surprised. To provide some more context, the study in to human sexuality is something I’m fascinated by, considering at one point expressing pursuing a degree in the subject.

At university for a research project, I did a study in portrayals of male sexuality and stereotypes of masculinity in film and how it had changed from the 1980s to the present day. I avidly read Mills & Boon more than anything else. I love a debate seeing how perceptions have changed since decades ago, the list goes on. So you could say it’s a bit of a running theme in my life so far.

My parents (mainly so Mum) always said that I was going to be the, “wild child”, half expecting me in my teens to be coming home with multicoloured hair and multiple amounts of piercings! While this didn’t happen, they got the wild bit right for sure!

Like most parents, they know their kids better than their kids do. So I knew full well if they found out exactly what fiction I wrote, they’d put two and two together of fiction and a personal interest pretty much immediately. So essentially, I beat them to the punch.

I didn’t want to cause any shock or concern among my loved ones by keeping secrets, especially when these themes are often misconstrued as something very destructive. I felt it best to be completely transparent.

Just to put it out there: No, they don’t read this blog or read my stories, for obvious reasons. I wouldn’t want them to considering quite a bit of NSFW content. While they are supportive in my story writing (thank you!) they are still my parents at the end of the day and I’m still their daughter. Neither party wants to know the details!

I remember nervously dropping in conversation that I was writing erotic fiction and that was the field I was going more in to, in an afternoon chat with my mother over a cup of tea. To my relief, she didn’t think anything of it. Neither did my Dad or my sister. My sister especially so, when she sent me a hilarious GIF with the caption: “LIBERATION!!!!! lol”

“Well, me and your Dad always said you were going to be the wild one. It just happened to be in this way!” Mum laughed as we chatted together over a cup of tea.

In regards to them knowing I write about other things, again she wasn’t surprised. Again, the reason why is I knew they’d figure out sooner or later, so I may as well have been transparent from the off.

Like any mother would do, as have a few of my friends as well, expressed concerns about the sadomasochistic elements of BDSM. I wasn’t offended. Why would I be? For most people when BDSM or anything related to it is mentioned, it’s not uncommon for the mind to jump to images of someone being painfully whipped or engaging in other sadomasochistic acts.

This especially has particular heaviness considering my mother’s past experience on the receiving end of an ex-husband. There’s a lot more to this, which my mother has kindly given her permission for me to talk about.

He was a very sadistic man, and would use certain things (I won’t go in to detail out of respect to my mother) often associated with BDSM to abuse and take advantage of her. Understandably, I didn’t find out this side of the abuse until I was an adult. He wasn’t a BDSMer, he was a psycho and it’s important to know the difference there.

As these traumatic experiences were her only point of reference regarding this, for a long time and 30 years of undiagnosed PTSD, understandably, she thought that was what the BDSM scene was like. Nasty people doing nasty things.

Truthfully, that was one of the many reasons I started looking in to BDSM at 18, when the Fifty Shades craze was upon us. One, for my own interests in to the scene and two, I thought the more information I knew in going straight to the horse’s mouth, might help her in her recovery.

I thought knowing more about how the BDSM scene operated and heavily emphasised safety, limits and consent would help her by way of essentially saying, “they’re normal people just like you and me and they don’t condone what he did to you. They don’t stand for that because that’s not what they’re about.”

For the record, she’s a lot better now after getting the help and support she needed. She told me not too long ago that while it’s not something she reads about in books etc. (even if she did, that’s entirely her own business) she found it interesting to know a little about the kind of things I write about.

Both going through our own post traumatic stress I suppose had us both finding common ground in talking about what has helped us come back from that. We were both each other’s rock during those difficult times (as well as the rest of the family, of course) and in truth, my folks aren’t only that, they’re some of my closest friends as well.

Also, because of the emotional abuse experience I had from ex, the concern was (especially so from a dear friend of mine) that it might set me back and put me in a distressing space. I explained to them anything I consider distressing by way of humiliation/degradation is a strong hard limit, up there along with breath play. Nope, nope, nope!

It certainly was an interesting conversation explaining (to the best of my knowledge) negotiations, safety, safe words and heavy emphasis on respecting limits, which is why they’re laid out right at the start. No ambiguity, no romanticizing, just straight up cards on the table.

I’ve had some really interesting conversations and I feel a lot better knowing that I’m not in a space where judgement would be a factor. I knew this wouldn’t be the case, but getting it out in to the open is still nerve racking, for sure! Truthfully I wasn’t expecting the amount of curiosity there would be in asking questions rather than, “You weird person! Get away from me!”

A hilarious consequence of my “coming out” to close trusted friends and immediate family though, is getting asked random questions out of the blue as if you’re the resident go-to expert, which I’m anything but! 😂 While I might research and write about it, I’m certainly no Dr. Ruth! 😂

Within the last few months, my mother has asked me what a furry is, my boyfriend has asked me what “yiffing” is, and me and some besties talking about kitten play and one of my friends asked me, “That’s like a furry, right?” Furry seems to be a bit of a running theme at the moment! 😂

All my love,

Violet xx

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* Picture – Pinterest

© 2018 – Life of Violet

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5 thoughts on “When your family knows you write about erotica, sex and BDSM

    1. From what I know, furries are a subculture where people dress in these elaborate animal suits, often centred around comic books, animations and cosplay among other things. Quite a few think what furries do is just dress us up in the suits and have sex with each other, known as “yiffing”. While there are those that do do that, from what little I know about furries that’s a minority in comparison to the rest of the fandom. I had the pleasure of meeting a lady who was a furry at an NYE party a few years ago and she said for her it’s a form of cosplay and an extension of herself. It was really interesting to, and still to find out more about it 😊 x

      Liked by 1 person

  1. I am glad that you are able to be so open with family and share your own informed thoughts with them. I can see that would be a helpful part of the process of making sense of some of what has happened to you all. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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