Dominance and inner conflicts

Over the last few weeks, my boyfriend and I have been having little talks about our tastes in the bedroom. I’ve learned more from him as he has from me about how we see certain things.

To put it bluntly, apart from a few kinks, my boyfriend is mostly vanilla. He’s more experienced in the bedroom than I am (being older and having had more sexual partners than me) tried quite a lot and has a pretty good insight in to what does it for him and what does not.

Whilst a good part of me is vanilla as well, my boyfriend is even more so. There are many things I’m up for trying that he is not, giving or receiving. Finding out his reasons why besides, “It’s just not for me.” really shed a light on a few things for me.

My boyfriend is a very caring lover. He has always wanted to put my pleasure before his, making sure I feel sated and pleasured before he climaxes. He doesn’t want me to feel like he’s just taking what he wants and leaving me high and dry, which I’m sure many men can understand.

I enjoy his sexually dominant nature and there are times when I’m just in one of those moods where I want to be thoroughly used. Those moods where I want him to take what he wants from me and it to be purely for him. It’s incredibly hot when that happens.

That being said, that can cause some conflict for him. He enjoys it very much, but there have been times where after particularly hot sex like that, he’ll bury his head in my shoulder and say he feels bad, because he doesn’t want me to feel like he’s being selfish and not caring about my wants and needs. Honestly, the man couldn’t be selfish and uncaring if he tried! I have reassured him that’s not the case. He knows that if there’s something I’m not feeling, I’ll tell him and we’ll just not do it and vice versa, simple as.

I understand quite a few men can feel like this when it comes to sex with their partners. They want to enjoy certain things with them, and do with full and free consent of course, but don’t want to feel like they’re disrespecting their wives/girlfriends etc. I’ve known male friends that enjoy really rough sex with their girlfriends, but have this same inner conflict, because they feel it goes against their natural instincts to protect and care for the women in their lives.

When it comes to kinky sex, this is one of the reasons why he won’t do many things, despite them just not being for him. He’s openly said he won’t use a flogger on me, or receive one. He’s a huge history buff, and throughout history floggers have often been associated with, well…not very nice things.

Though he knows the difference between consensual BDSM and floggers throughout history (along with non painful ways of using a flogger) he just can’t split the connotations apart. He would see it as him hurting me, which even though wouldn’t be the case, I know him. He wouldn’t be able to forgive himself for using one on the woman he loves.

Another point he made, which I found interesting, was his take on pain tolerance regarding implements. He expressed a fear of when using something like a flogger, me wanting to up the anti, going full masochistic and wanting him to really inflict pain on me. While this isn’t the case (I’m not really a masochist) I could understand his concerns. It took a bit of talking to ask if he’d be interested in trying a leather paddle. I think when it comes down to it, spanking is what he’s most comfortable with.

I’m very much up for exploring deeply in to my kinky side, and if I use one implement, I might want to use an implement that could be more stingy etc. I’m a curious soul, so aside from hard limits, I might be curious to try certain things, certain things he can’t bring himself to do. I acknowledge that in myself and respect his limits on these things. I could see how visibly anxious talking about using said implements was making him.

I don’t want him to feel like that. I want him to be comfortable with the kinks we both enjoy like spanking and light bondage etc. If he won’t entertain something, neither will I. I still want to learn how to use a flogger, but not to use for play, just learning how to properly wield one looks pretty awesome.

While there are many that encourage finding other play partners to explore these curiosities, that’s not an option for us. Just the thought of him being dominant with another woman invokes the green eyed monster in me (and this is coming from someone who very rarely, if ever, gets jealous) and vice versa. The first thought that springs to mind is, “Hey! That’s my job!” As he put it, that’s his hardest of hard limits.

Through those talks, I’ve been able to learn more about him in this and I love and respect him all the more for it.

I want to put this question out to my male readers, especially those who are Doms. Have you had similar inner conflicts? If so, were you able to move past these with your partner(s)? If so, how? Feel free to drop me a message or comment πŸ™‚

All my love,

Violet xx

*Picture – Pinterest

11 thoughts on “Dominance and inner conflicts

  1. It took my husband a very long time before he could bring himself to spank me with any kind of force at all. For the same reasons. He didn’t want to hurt me. He has come to understand NOT doing so is actually more hurtful. Though I can still handle more and wish he’d go harder, he’s at the point now where he even gets hard while spanking me. It’s become a turn on for him.
    So I like that you guys are taking it slow and communicating. πŸ™‚
    Take care love,

    Liked by 1 person

  2. My husband was conflicted about giving me pain at first as well. But, the more we talked, and experimented, the more he realized that he was giving me the release that I needed.

    Great post, missviolet! I feel that many people have these same discussions when first experimenting with spanking and at least for me, posts like these are incredibly helpful and educational πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Nora! 😊 I’m happy you find it educational and that it was useful for you 😊 I’m looking at investing in a paddle and seeing what we make of it. As long as he’s happy and comfortable 😊 I completely get what you mean about it offering a release. Sometimes I just really need a a good erotic spanking and I find it to be exciting and relaxing πŸ˜€ xx

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Thank you SG πŸ’“ He really enjoys spanking and being called Sir, especially if it’s in doggy where he can pull my hair among other things πŸ˜‚ He’s very much the same, he doesn’t want to hurt me. As well I don’t want to hurt him either. Whatever happens, as long as he’s happy and comfortable 😊 x

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Dear Violet have you tried the number system where he spanks and you then say perhaps 4 from the scale of 0 – 10 or something like that? Another way is to use the traffic light system green go on that is nice, orange is getting closer to red and red stop that immediately? It is one way that he can understand exactly what you like. It also gives him a guide to what he is doing. Make it something that does not have sex in it, well maybe afterwards is fine lol. It really helps and could give him some peace about it. Also try the different tools cos they all give a different level. I can’t tolerate a cane but I can a whip, go figure. Good luck.


  5. Lol sorry hun but I re-read this post and wanted to offer a further comment. Things like a wooden ruler, a wooden spoon and a hairbrush can be very stingy but they look very unthreatening. Perhaps he would be happier with these kinds of things. ❀

    Liked by 1 person

    1. No need to apologise love comments are always welcome! πŸ™‚ Both of us draw the line at wood right now, there’s only so much sting I can take and wood’s just past that limit, as unthreatening as they can be πŸ™‚ Thank you so much for these suggestions and your input, it really is helpful πŸ™‚ Hope you and S. are well ❀ x


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