We need to do better

CW: Transphobia and gender dysphoria. Reader discretion is advised. 

This is an update to my post ‘A positive space’. I don’t wish to drag anything out and reignite angry feelings, as we’ve all been feeling shocked, angry and upset at recent events. I felt my last post was a bit babbly and incoherent, and wish to write my thoughts more clearly now I’ve had time to cool off. Lots of love to everyone. Violet xx

Given what has happened recently in the community, one thing is certain: we as a community are better than this, and should be better than this. We need to do better moving forward into the future.

Echoing what I said in my last post (I’ll be referring back and forth to that post, please bear with me) I’m one of those people that hates conflict and, knowingly or not, take on the role of a mediator or the ‘can’t we all just get along?’ crowd. I’m not good with conflict, but I firmly believe when it comes to prejudice and judgement, this issue needs to be spoken up on.

There should never be a place for transphobia. There should never be a place for misgendering. These can trigger crippling dysphoria, as well as making it clear to them that they are not in a place where they are safe and given the basic of human respects: acknowledging and respecting one’s existence. I’ve experienced first hand friends being misgendered and erased, or subjected to physical attacks. This is not something we can be blasé about.

Like I said in my last post, I want to make clear that this is not to attack or bully anyone. I do not condone bullying in any way, shape or form and even hearing cases of death threats, I will never condone that.

Reading what I saw on the post in question that has brought an ongoing issue to full light, I was, and still am, horrified by what I saw. As well, by the support it had garnered. Needless to say, like many others, I was shocked and many people have lost my respect. But of course this is not about me, but those this has affected.

It makes perfect sense to me to respect someone’s pronouns and name. That is basic human decency. Given that we are a community that is meant to pride ourselves on inclusivity and acceptance, this should go without saying. If we want to repair and be an inclusive and diverse community, we need to learn and put the work in, in order to move forward.


To provide a bit more context here: I am a white, cisgender, bisexual woman, in a relationship with a white, cisgender, heterosexual man. On that front, I have a LOT of privilege. For fellow bloggers with the privilege we have, it is important to speak up when those who don’t have the same privilege we do, are subject to scrutiny, prejudice and discrimination. I hope I can use my voice to make it clear how wrong these events are, and to tell the trans, non-binary and gender non-conforming people and communities who have been affected by this, that you have my support.


I spoke in my last post, that a lack of education or coming from a background where trans rights is not openly talked about, can contribute to certain ways of thinking that are harmful. That, or saying something well-meaning, but it actually being quite insensitive. Generally speaking, that can be the case as we grow and progress. This is not defending anyone and I want to make that abundantly clear.

It’s stating that we fuck up at times when trying to be more inclusive. I’ve fucked up on pronouns before and not realised until it was brought to my attention. But we admit to it, take responsibility and put the work in. Being grown adults, this should be the case.

However in this event, this was not the case, with apologies and further phobic behaviour. I can’t support that. If you are sorry, mean it and work to fix the wrong.

Yes, I believe that people can learn from mistakes and put things right, like I said in my last post. I believe in learning from mistakes and forgiveness. But that’s if they put the effort in to take full responsibility for their actions, learn and do what needs to be done to do better in the future. Learn from resources, educate yourself and gain a new perspective on what it is like to be in that person’s shoes. Trust me, it is a sobering eye-opener. If they do not wish to however, or apologise just to cover themselves but have no intention to enact positive change, I’m afraid you have your answer.


If this has taught us anything, it’s that we definitely need to do better as a community. Seeing the full extent on how long and ongoing this issue is within sex blogging, I say here that I wish I’d found out sooner, as I had no idea. From my side of the community I suppose I’ve been living in a sex blogging bubble as it were, and I hope now that we as a community can learn from these awful events and move forward, supporting everyone as we do.

We’re all learning and education is imperative for that. There are list of brilliant resources to learn from, to gain better perspective and how we can grow in more inclusive language and supporting marginalized communities:




Intersex UK

Trans Unite 

Being transgender, non-binary, gender non-conforming etc. is nothing new. It is not a ‘trend’ of young people today. There are many figures throughout history whose gender identity has been outside the binary, or different to the gender they were assigned at birth.

For a historical resource, I highly recommend Jessica Kellegren-Fozard’s YouTube channel. She is a lesbian and disabled content creator, who produces content surrounding disability, vintage fashion and LGBTQ+ content. She also produces videos on LGBTQ+ and/or disabled historical figures, which are absolutely brilliant .


We all need to do better. If there’s one thing this has shown, it’s that. I am included in this. I hope we can move forward together, as the diverse and accepting community we want to be. In order to do that though, we need to be that positive change we want to see.

Lots of love to everyone,

Violet xoxoxoxo




2 thoughts on “We need to do better

  1. Violet,
    People do need to speak up and let others know this type of behavior, even if it is poor humor is not tolerated or condoned. If more people spoke up as you have, perhaps, the ignorant will realize they have wronged.
    Sadly, we are twenty years into a new century, but the same ignorance continues.
    Love and acceptance. That is what we need in this world.

    Liked by 2 people

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