Double Standards and Kink Shame (Warning: Rant)

Disclaimer: I am by no means a BDSM expert or educator. These are just my opinions. Everyone is perfectly entitled to disagree with me and to have their own opinions. I’m not in any way trying to kink or vanilla shame anyone. I politely ask that all discussions with one another are kept respectful.

This is something that’s been bugging me of late. I was inspired to go ahead and write this post after reading a post by the very lovely Submissy. If you haven’t checked out her blog yet and are interested in the D/s lifestyle, I highly recommend Missy’s blog.

For most of us ladies and gents who have found ourselves in the kink community, whether we write it, actively take part in it in our personal lives etc. we essentially have to lead a double life. Some may know about us, maybe none at all, but either way there is only so far we can openly go without encountering some judgement or worse.

In my own life, only my immediate family and very few close friends know that I write erotic fiction. Even fewer than that know I have an active interest in exploring kink in my personal life. When people ask what I write in day to day life, I tell them I write romance. It’s not a lie, but it’s not the whole truth either.

With the circle of people who do know about me, I’m thankful to be in a very open and accepting environment. That being said, obviously I don’t want to shout it from the rooftops to everyone in my general life I like spankings and collars.

Despite the fact that the BDSM world has become a more mainstream topic of conversation and sexual health, psychology, politics etc. is more openly talked about than before, the judgement and repercussions facing kinky people are very, very real.

Now, here’s where this really grinds my gears. Despite the world going crazy with the whole Fifty Shades phenomenon, if you are outed to be a kinky person, in the general eyes of society you are seen to be some twisted sexual deviant.

Having said this, without Fifty Shades (and granted, some of the sex is hot, I’ll admit that) many of us wouldn’t have took the step to delve in to this world, me being one of them. So to be fair, it definitely has had one positive effect.

All BDSM aside here, while many are losing their shit over two people who technically meet much, if not all, the criteria that shows an incredibly abusive relationship (don’t even get me started on the stalking!) people who partake in non-illegal acts (sexual or otherwise) between consenting adults are the ones at risk of losing their jobs, facing judgements in society etc.

Am I the only one noticing something really wrong there?

Not only that, but this abusive relationship, supposedly representative of a true D/s relationship (which it definitely isn’t) perpetuates the stereotype that a kinky person must be, “emotionally damaged” or had ordeals with abuse. While some people have, many others haven’t.

Was I abused as a child? No. I’m very thankful to have come from a stable, loving family and had a (minus school bullying) happy childhood.

Have I faced abuse? Yes, in a previous relationship (ex wasn’t kinky)

Is that why I’m kinky? NO. I knew I was kinky waaayyyy before any of that happened.

Is that why I’m drawn to certain kinks? NO. That’s why I avoid certain kinks.

Am I emotionally damaged? No. Well, not anymore. The abuse crushed me emotionally, not the kink. To be honest, being kinky helped me recover faster from that. After my mind being messed with because I didn’t want to do certain sexual acts, exploring my kinky self helped me take back control over my sexual confidence and assertiveness. That’s God’s honest truth.

It really troubles me when I hear people say, “I want my own Christian Grey.” As stunningly handsome and charming as Jamie Dornan is, trust me, you really wouldn’t. From once being on the receiving end of a temper like his, it’s not hot. It’s scary.

Pardon my French here, but the hypocrisy of it all really pisses me off. You involve yourself in a community that core values are respect, trust and above all consent…and you could face getting sacked by a boss who adamantly states, that an abusive relationship that damages the perception of what a healthy D/s dynamic actually is, a “love story.”

Aaaaannnddd breathe….

All my love,

Violet xx

*Picture – Pinterest

9 thoughts on “Double Standards and Kink Shame (Warning: Rant)

  1. collaredmichael

    Good to rant isn’t it? I don’t necessarily understand all the kinks and fetishes out there, and many I wouldn’t want to try, but I can’t see trying to make someone feel bad about them. Kink shaming shows a profound disrespect towards others! I avoid people like that. They may not even know of my kinks, but I feel bad when they shame others—even when only in my presence.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It sure is, I haven’t ranted like that in a while! 😂 Exactly that!
      There are so many kinks that I don’t personally understand (like foot fetishism for instance) but I don’t wish to make someone feel bad about that. Your kink isn’t my kink, but that’s ok.
      The way I see is as long as you’re not doing anything you shouldn’t be, breaking any laws etc. and it’s between consenting adults, then who am I to judge you if you’re a spanking lover or a leather person? Or both? Xx

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Haha!! 😂 I was once drawing some money out for shopping and my boyfriend jokingly said, “Mistress needs to draw slave his money.” (you know we’re not in a D/s relationship) Instead of being horrified I went along with it. I gave him the money saying, “Here you go, slave.” “Thank you, Mistress.” He said. We turned around to see a middle aged couple behind us…the look on their faces were priceless! 😂 x

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I found the Fifty Shades trilogy to be about the emotional growth of a very disturbed mind myself. I am always telling people it wasn’t even really about BDSM. I actually saw a really good show about the Real Fifty Shades on the E channel. You can still watch it on copy and paste the link in your search bar. It spoke about safety issues and was about a couple that just had a bedroom relationship, a couple that live it 24/7. There was a Switch and a Domme and male sub. I was very glad I watched it. The other thing you spoke of is being outed and that can be so painful. I know of one woman outed and her family had her sectioned. There are so many other effects on your life that you cannot plan for. However thank you for a really good rant. It was very good..

    Liked by 1 person

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