Ever since I was a child, I’ve been sensitive to the feelings of others. I’ve always been in touch with my own feelings. Cried at seeing others in pain, especially children or animals.

In a world where we hear things like “the sin of empathy” or how having compassion for those struggling is apparently a “weakness”, I find the hardening of people’s hearts to others exhausting. Before the exhaustion comes the shock at the lack of compassion. Then comes anger. Anger that someone could think themselves better due to financial status, ethnicity, nationality etc. Then, exhaustion once more. It’s a vicious cycle.

It’s an equally saddening and maddening thought that some people just simply don’t care. That, or even take happiness in the suffering of those who’ve experienced hardships we can’t even begin to imagine.

We often think cruelty comes from deliberate action. We think of physical violence, draconian laws, harassment in the streets and online, self-proclaimed strongmen and their cults of personality, and the horrific actions these enable. This is true. Cruelty does come from these deliberate actions. But what is one of the precursors? Cruelty doesn’t start at atrocities. So what exactly births the cruelty we often associate with the word?

It is the cruelty we see regularly, but often don’t realise. It’s subtle, barely noticeable. It is the gradually heating water that the frog sitting inside will not register, getting used to the temperature until it grows warmer, then to hot, and then to boiling. All the while, the frog never truly realises the danger.

Cruelty through indifference. Cruelty through banality. The bystander effect.

Behind every person warning what could happen if certain events continue, is another telling them they’re overreacting. That it will never happen. Yet it does. Through dismissal and a lack of vigilance, a failure to learn from the past leads to sleepwalking into history repeating itself.

While I’m not saying indifference is inherently evil, or putting everyday indifference on the same level as infamous atrocities, I’m saying acts we ultimately recognise as evil, or nearing it, cannot flourish without indifference, without banality. Without, “why should I care? It doesn’t concern me.” Or in more sinister circumstances, “I was just doing my job” or “I was only following orders.”

I think of gentleness as a form of rebellion to this indifference. While I’m not a Roman Catholic, I agree with Pope Francis’s (RIP) words on what he called “a culture of indifference”. Sadly, this is a tale as old as time, but one I’m seeing becoming more prevalent.

Being a woman, it breaks my heart to see more men and boys being consumed by toxic trains of thought that women are inferior, and should be treated as subservient to them, because in their eyes, that’s what “being a man” is, what “leading” and “being masculine” is. But it’s not. From a woman who was raised by a man who is considered very masculine, was the main breadwinner in our house, and who was not intimidated by showing his emotions or expressing himself, this “alpha male” stuff is the opposite of being a leader. That’s being a tyrant.

To be raised by a man that, to this day, is not afraid to stand up for his daughter while not being afraid to shed tears, who was and continues to be an example of a good, loving family man, who doesn’t look down on others for their nationality, gender, sexual orientation, and has encouraged his children to reach for the stars and not have anyone, most of all himself, tell us we cannot pursue our interests because we are women etc. is a wonderful privilege. So having that first-hand experience, this performative chest-beating is exactly that: Chest-beating. How can you lead if everything is all about lifting yourself up and not caring for the most vulnerable among you? How can you demand respect by barking orders at someone you believe to be beneath you? How can you refuse gentleness as “weak”, yet need it to care for your family? It’s an oxymoron.

There’s a quote about leadership that has stuck with me ever since I heard it. Yet, it came from a very unlikely source: The voice actor for Optimus Prime, Peter Cullen. Yes, I know it sounds silly, but hear me out. Cullen recounts how he spoke to his brother Larry, a then-United States Marine, about his audition for Optimus Prime. After explaining Prime’s character and how he’s a leader, Cullen quotes his brother saying to him, “Well, Peter, if you’re going to be a leader, you have to be strong enough to be gentle.”

Coming from a US Marine, which is, for all intents and purposes, a hypermasculine environment, one would think gentleness would be waved at in the rearview mirror on the way to boot camp. That it would be trained out of you through blood, sweat, and tears, and taking orders from the screaming Drill Sergeants (seriously, those folks could put some metal vocalists to shame).

In a time where empathy is seen as a weakness or even a “sin” by some Christian nationalists (empathy is integral to the Gospels. I’ve spoken out against Christian Nationalism as a Christian in the past) I see bringing compassion and gentleness to the forefront as not just the right thing to do, not just basic humanity, but an act of rebellion, an act of resistence. Where there is hatred, let me sow love. where there is injury, pardon; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; where there is sadness, joy., as St. Francis of Assisi’s prayer for peace goes. To stand up for the marginalised and oppressed, and to stand for humanity as a whole, regardless of ethnicity, creed, or religion.

To be compassionate is a radical act of defiance. To be gentle in a word of bitterness is an act of resistance. To be gentle doesn’t mean to make yourself small, or submissive, or a doormat, or whatever you want to call it. To be gentle is to be brave. To show love where there is hate is one of the bravest, most human things a person can do.

So crack that smile to someone who might need it. Give a listening ear to those who need someone to talk to. Help those less fortunate. Help those who are fleeing wars. Try and remember the little things that we take for granted every day. Be compassionate to those that politicians and some in society try to tell us we shouldn’t. Help the homeless, welcome the stranger, comfort the grieving.

I am not perfect. I am a human being with my flaws like everyone else. But all I can do is try.