This is not a drill! I actually went to a BDSM club for the first time recently!

Despite blogging writing Erotic fiction for around 4 years, much containing some manner of BDSM, I only recently ventured out into the wider BDSM community.

So here’s what happened: I was invited by a dear friend to a private event at a kink club. As this is a friend I’m close to and trust completely in kink spaces, I agreed to go, along with my boyfriend who was also invited.

I was excited to go, but admittedly a little nervous. You’re always nervous your first time, aren’t you? Plus, not only would it be my first time in a BDSM space, but my boyfriend’s too. For context: I am a sex blogger. I write erotica that more often than not, has BDSM themes. I am friends with kinky people online and am curious about BDSM communities.

My boyfriend does not have an active interest in such things. Yes, he has his kinks, but BDSM as we talk about it here (especially getting involved in the wider BDSM community i.e going to munches, kink events etc.) is not something he shows interest in. Vanilla with a few sprinkles, if you will (and vanilla is not a dirty word!), in the privacy of our own home.

In fact, being very much a homebody, he feels social anxiety at parties, reuninions etc. at the best of times, let alone in a BDSM dungeon. This was seriously out of his comfort zone, so I wondered how he would react, wanting to make sure he was comfortable.

Obviously, in keeping with BDSM club rules: no one has to do anything they don’t want to. Consent is everything. We could just sit in the social area and have a cup of tea and chat if we wanted. Or we could go into the dungeon and do a scene together. No pressure. No shame.

ARRIVING & FIRST IMPRESSIONS

With a dress code ranging from regular clothes to fetish gear, I decided on a classic: The Little Black Dress. Similar to a Marilyn Monroe style dress, I kitted it out with a pair of vintage heels. Some simple makeup and I was ready to go. My boyfriend opted for a comfortable t-shirt and a pair of jeans.

When we arrived, we were greeted by Dear Friend (who looked INCREDIBLE in their leather kink outfit). It was so good to see them and (having taken a lateral flow test earlier in the day) actually be able to give them a hug. Given the pandemic, hugs with friends are a rarity these days. Also, to finally introduce them to my boyfriend, whom I’ve told them so much about.

After dropping our stuff off in the changing area/cloakroom, they very kindly showed us around. The social area reminded me of a sexied-up version of a beauty parlour, or sitting area you get in the bathrooms of a posh hotel. Cosy and social. Though of course, most hotels don’t have leather cuffs and spanking benches!

The dungeon was what really gave my stomach butterflies. That alien excitement of a first time. The excitement of the unknown. How would I feel? How would my boyfriend feel? Being shown the various equipment, from leather cushioned tables with cages underneath, to standing restraint areas to ceiling points for rope suspension, I was intrigued. We both were.

This was all stuff I’d seen online, or even written about, but had never used or seen used in real life. Would anyone use this during the day? What would it be like watching a scene? I had so many questions for the hours to come.

MEETING NEW PEOPLE

Going to an event like this also meant meeting new people. This also meant meeting new people in various states of undress! I thought it was really good that no one cared of someone dressed regularly being next to someone in lingerie. Or almost naked when doing a scene, so as to feel sensations and implements on the skin.

No one cared and no one got any bother towards them for their dress. Something we’d sadly, often see at a nightclub or bar in the more ‘respectable’ (allegedly) vanilla world. Not that it doesn’t happen in the kink world, but from my experiences online and here, treating certain outfits as consent or an invitation is nowhere near as normalised. If at all.

With this being a private event, the guests were friends of Dear Friend. So I knew I wasn’t going to have a problem with say, a random stranger. As a result, I felt very, if not completely, safe in this environment. Similar to how I felt at Eroticon 2019, it’s wonderfully ironic that it’s the folks demonized for being kinky that I feel safest around.

I surprised myself with how open to chatting I was with people. Being an ambivert (both introverted and extroverted) and pretty much a shut-in since the start of the pandemic, I either get really shy and clam up, or I’m a chatterbox. There doesn’t seem to be an in between!

We met some really wonderful folks! Throughout the day, I’d regularly check in with my boyfriend, who was doing just fine. He got to chat to like-minded folks about their interests i.e. history (he’s a big history buff) and our regular lives. I wanted to make sure he was comfortable, as this was all so new to him. He reassured me with a smile, ‘Don’t worry about me! I’m ok!’, encouraging me to spread my wings and talk with fellow kinky people.

It was really good to mix with other kinky people. I was transparent about by newbie-ness, having not been to so much as a munch. They were very kind to answer questions I had, going through some munch and dungeon etiquette with me so I knew what I was doing, and even showing me some of their play gear!

NEW EXPERIENCES: WATCHING & FEELING

Watching a scene is something entirely new to me and my boyfriend. While we were in the social room having a cup of tea and a chat with others, we heard some spanking coming from the dungeon area. Telling him I was curious, I went to have a looksee. The rules were in keeping with usual dungeon rules: You can watch, just keep chatting volume low. Don’t get too close and don’t get involved in the scene. So, cup of tea in hand, I made my way into the dungeon and saw someone getting spanked by their Dominant.

I admit, when I first saw this happening, I felt like I was encroaching on a private moment. That I should leave them to it. Retreating to the social room with a new acquaintance, we got talking. Talking led to me consenting to try some implements they’d brought with them for play, while my boyfriend watched.

To clarify, this wasn’t a scene. It was seeing the feel of certain tools, like a demonstration. I was curious to try and my boyfriend encouraged me to explore it. On my arm, this acquaintance very kindly talked us through each tool I consented to have used on me.

It was exciting and interesting to my curious mind, the feel of a soft leather flogger being dangled and traced along my skin. Being primarily a lover of softer, sensual play, I love how it felt! It doesn’t have to be all hardcore D/s and sadomasochism, which can be a common misconception of what kink is all about.

On the impact front, it didn’t actually hurt or sting like I thought it would. It was more of a thud. After that, he demonstrated a latex style (I can’t remember exactly what the material was), which was more of a sting than a thud. The pinwheel was fun (having tried that at Eroticon’s ElectraStim stall) along with something I never knew could be used as a kink tool: a drum brush.

Yes, you read that correctly. A drum brush. Upon seeing it however, it made sense. The metal brush spikes can be used for soft and really hard play if you wanted to. It felt ticklish being brushed across my skin, giving my skin pleasant tingles, especially so down my ear and neck, a common erogenous zone.

It gave me a new perspective on certain tools. Not being as scared by them (let’s be honest here: some of them can look pretty scary!) and being more open to try certain things. As well, it showed my boyfriend how these tools, i.e floggers (being a history buff, he understands the historical context behind them and therefore won’t use one, which is understandable) isn’t always scary and used for pain related purposes.

WATCHING OTHERS PLAY

I’ll be honest, if there’s one thing I surprised myself by (and really surprised at my boyfriend for) was how we ended up watching many scenes in the dungeon.

Watching a BDSM scene on a screen is entirely different to watching one right in front of you. For starters, they’re not professional performers. These are everyday people. As well, there wasn’t any sex happening. It was various types of play involving sensory, impact, bondage play and of course, Dominance and submission.

I’d watch to see what it was like, not expecting my boyfriend to join me. I didn’t think he’d be for watching things he’s either showed no interest in or listed as a limit. But to my surprise, he came along with me! Both of us were curious with our cups of tea as we watched a heavy impact play scene. We’re British, so even in a BDSM club, a cup of tea will be had!

In a particularly entrancing Shibari scene, I found him watching. In my limited knowledge of Shibari, I explained to him what the appeal is for people who enjoy it, along with certain safety points. Watching the various scenes undertaken by various guests, he overall comes to this (non-judgemental, by the way) conclusion:

“I don’t get it,’ he says, me watching the cogs go round in his eyes. “Yeah, I get what people get out of it and why people like it. Like, the aesthetics, I can understand that. But for me, it’s not my thing.”

That’s entirely fair enough. BDSM in a dungeon, in front of others, isn’t everyone’s cup of tea. Even for seriously kinky people who prefer playing only in the bedroom. I could understand where he was coming from. Despite surprising myself by watching and really enjoying it, I don’t know if I’d feel self-conscious playing (and undressed) in front of others. Then again, I didn’t think I’d be mad on watching scenes. So I may surprise myself again. Who knows?

I respect that he came to that conclusion after seeing it for himself and observing, as opposed to just tarring everyone with the same brush as weirdos, like some can. Also in seeing for himself, he understood completely why I feel more comfortable and safe in a kink space with friends, than in a regular nightclub or bar filled with strangers. While a BDSM club may not be his element, he enjoyed meeting my friends and had a good time.

What I really enjoyed was seeing him deep in thought while observing the different scenes around us. Then cups of tea in hand, saying in all sincerity and support in my ear, “Watching these will give you lots of ideas for your writing!”. I agree! It certainly has!

OVERALL THOUGHTS

I loved it. The second I left, I wanted to go back. Like a cat being introduced to its favourite food for the first time, I wanted more. I wanted to talk more, try more and watch more.

As well as spending some much need quality time with Dear Friend, it was a really good learning experience both for me and my boyfriend. It was time we could spend together exploring in a semi-public setting, even if it was just for a few hours. Even if we were, in a manner of speaking, dipping our toes into the water. Even if it were a confirmation of what we already knew we liked or disliked.

Gaining a new perspective about a subculture. Opening our minds up to new things and perhaps being more adventurous together. It was an important, growing time together. My boyfriend really enjoyed meeting Dear Friend and their friends. As well, seeing his artistic side flourish (he likes photography) in talking about how he’d do certain shots of the dungeon apparatus (not while folks are using them, of course) with his camera. It really put a smile on my face to see that side of him come out there.

It certainly gave me a lot to think about. Story ideas, whether we’d ever go again to an establishment such as this. Whether we’d experiment more with certain things we saw there. You won’t be seeing my boyfriend cuff me up to a St. Andrew’s Cross anytime soon, and that’s fine by me! But he has been open to trying other things we’re both comfortable with since. I have a better idea of his limits.

I feel more confident in telling him things I’d like to try with him and talking about what we both like. Being similar in many ways and different in many others, I never wanted to make him feel uncomfortable by my desires. He’s reassured me many times that I can just tell him and we go from there, and vice versa. There are things he’s suggested to me that I either have no interest in or is a limit, so it goes both ways.

But that’s what’s important, and reinforced through this experience: Communication. My boyfriend and me have always prided ourselves on being able to talk to each other, about anything and everything. While it may not be his scene, he understands of why it’s more mine, and its good that we can openly talk to each other about that with respect and understanding. It’s fun and not something to be taken too seriously. That’s the whole point: Having fun together, vanilla or kinky!

New experiences can be equally scary as exciting. With a place like this, the reactions you have tend to be more visceral, more primal within you. Overall, I found it to be fun and eye opening. With plenty of surprises along the way!

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