“Sex without love is as hollow and ridiculous as love without sex.” – Hunter S Thompson
I agree and disagree with this statement. I know you might think, for someone with such strong opinions on things, how could I agree and disagree with something like this?
Well being a sex blogger, I prefer to approach this with as open a mind as I can. People have sex in many ways, with different people, be it a one night stand or a long-term monogamous marriage. Kinky, vanilla, polyamorous, monogamous, there’s more than one way to have sex. But here probes the age old question: Are sex and love inherently connected?
This answer will depend on who’s being asked. It is entirely subjective and unique to each individual.
SEX WITHOUT LOVE ISN’T FOR ME
For me? Yes, the two are linked. I’ve said multiple times I’ve never been cut out for the ‘wham bam, thank you ma’am’, of casual sex.
The person who I’d be sleeping with, I wouldn’t be sleeping with unless I wanted to see them again, seeing them for a relationship in mind. In my case, that also would be the other way around: I’d want to see them and get to know them first before seriously considering sleeping with them. At the very least, I’d have to like them A LOT to do that.
Unlike demisexuality, where one doesn’t feel sexual attraction unless there is a strong emotional connection to a person, I do feel sexual attraction. I can see someone walking down the street and think ‘Phwoar!’ But as far as one night stands go, I don’t want to risk being treated as nothing more than a notch to a bed post. I know for those who do have casual sex, not every encounter is like this, and it’s great to see more discussion around not treating casual sex as: I’ve got what I wanted, now get out. I’ve never liked that side of it. I find it so disrespectful and merely using a person for sex, for one’s own pleasure (and not in the fun, kinky consensual way) rather than actually having sex with them. But then again, I say this as the opinion of an outsider.
Nor am I trying to be judgmental of people who enjoy casual sex. If it works for you, go you. All I do say is make sure you always treat your partner with respect, be safe, use condoms and/or dental dams depending on your partner, and of course, communication and CONSENT. A one time sexual partner deserves to be treated with as much respect as sex with a spouse of twenty-five years.
I ‘RESPECT’ YOU, SO SLEEP WITH ME
That being said, sex without love has so far played a part in my life. Usually, it was having negative experiences about not having casual sex, in the form of shaming, to the prospective boyfriends who would become disinterested when I wouldn’t sleep with them after a two dates and/or make out sessions. Still to this day my reaction is the same: You knew my stance from the get go. What were seriously expecting?
It’s surprising how many men will say they respect you for ‘not being that kind of girl’ (as I’ve got older I realise this now is a major alarm bell), then dropping you like a hot potato, because you won’t change your stance on sex solely for them. Basically, not giving them sex as soon as they want it. Realising they weren’t going to be the one exception to that rule, getting impatient when you reiterate the boundaries you’ve always made clear, they lose interest quite quickly.
Looking back with more years and experience, I realise I was being had by the following people: The ‘I put compliments in and sex comes out’ mentality. I heard something said from a lady online recently that has stuck with me: “If a man only respects you because you made him wait, he is the kind of man who will never respect you.”
Basically she is saying you should be treated with respect regardless if it’s casual or waiting for marriage. That your sexual experience or lack thereof does not and should not determine your worth as a person, and I wholeheartedly agree. This applies to all genders: always treat the people you’re doin’ the nasty with with respect. Without respect and basic human decency, you will not have the foundations on which to build a healthy encounter or relationship.
EVEN IF IT’S JUST SEX, I NEED TO LOVE YOU
This is the premise in relationships for me: Even if I’m enjoying the ‘sex because SEX’ with someone, I have to be a loving relationship.
Sex is not just a physical thing for me. It’s very emotional and I’m being vulnerable with that person. The only way I can strip off (not just physically) to that vulnerability of sharing that with you, is if I have feelings for you, I trust you, know you enough to trust you, and know that you will respect my boundaries and vice versa, which in turn, love can grow.
This is the ideal foundation where I feel comfortable for making love, or just tearing each other’s clothes off because you can’t keep your hands off one another. Genuine romantic connection has to be there for me to feel ok to take the plunge, but only when we’re ready to. Even if you’re fucking me, I still need to love, or at the very least really like you, with the feelings genuinely reciprocated, so you can fuck me.
Does that make me a prude? To some, it will. I’ve been told that in various ways. But that’s just how I’m wired and experiencing sex with love, I prefer it a grand mile to a potential encounter with someone whom yes, is gorgeous and would spend a night with, but knowing you’ll feel empty and used up afterwards.
*If you like what I do and want to support me financially, please consider buying me a coffee, where you can also commission erotic fiction. Thanks!