Nurturing a love

“We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love.” – Tom Robbins

This is something I have learned as I have become part of a long-term relationship.

As you know, I’ve only ever had one relationship prior to the one I’m in right now, that lasted little over two months. So this is the first (and hopefully only) long-term relationship I’ve ever had. Learning along the way the ins and outs of what can be like can be eye-opening, not to mention obliterating any hyper-romanticised ideas I had about relationships, many of them I didn’t know I had.

Now, obviously no relationship is perfect, but it can be perfect for you both. It can be your perfect. We’re often told in media what the ‘perfect’ relationship should be like. Unfortunately, this notion of ‘perfection’ is rooted in idealism, or to market products to you to show your love, otherwise you don’t love them, right? What utter bullshit. While obviously, if things aren’t working out it’s perfectly fine to go your separate ways, it’s easy, especially with the idealistic vision of love we’re sold, to jump ship at the slightest sign of trouble in paradise. It has to be a permanent honeymoon phase or he’s not the man for you.

You can be showered in gifts but not have love. You can stay at home or travel the world and not have love. While gift giving and expensive travels can and are part of love, they are not the definition of it. Every couple will argue at some point in their relationship, even if they love the ever living daylights out of each other. If you’re arguing all the time, of course that’s not a good sign. But things, even with the strongest of loves, will never be ‘perfect’ all the time.

So, what is love?

Honestly, I don’t really know how to put it into words, but I do know I feel it. While there are a million and one reasons why I love my boyfriend, when, in those moments of insecurity, we’ve asked: ‘Why do you love me?’ and we’ve answered in complete honesty: ‘I don’t know. I just do.’ That’s never been meant as an insult or half-measure, it was us both saying that, in our case anyway, in the weeks after us meeting our connection became more and more magnetic.

I didn’t know why. In fact, I felt terrified by it and tried to push him away. But as time went on, it became very obvious that we just couldn’t be away from each other. The connection was too magnetic to resist. It wasn’t sheer animal magnetism when you see someone you wouldn’t say no to them blowing your back out. It ran a whole lot deeper than that. Yes, we have our things in common, connecting in a way we didn’t with others. But when we met, and the more time I spent with him, then-single me knew in my bones that whatever relationship we had, be it platonic or romantic, he would be important to me in my life.

While we are the same in some ways, we are polar opposites in others, like most couples. We’ve had our bickers and disagreements. We’ve occasionally had our outright screaming matches, but my boyfriend is adamant about one thing: If we have a problem, to properly talk through it to fix it. Don’t let it fester. That, and don’t go to bed angry with each other. That, along with the love we have, has been at the foundation for having a healthy relationship: open and honest communication.

Being a sex blogger, you might expect me to put sex at the forefront of my relationship. I can understand why you’d think that, and sex is a very important part of a relationship for me. But with my boyfriend’s recent surgeries and recently diagnosed condition that has caused him a great deal of pain in his hip, it’s put him pretty much out of commission for a good while, with the odd time he’s been able to have sex. It’s not that he hasn’t wanted to, it’s that he’s physically not been able to.

Does that mean if we can’t for a while, we call it a day? No! That’s ridiculous. If we’re in this love for the long haul, though we’re not married, that includes in sickness as well as in health. Do we want to get back to being able to have sex when we can? Of course.

Yes, it has taken a toll on us as we’ve both really wanted to. I’d be lying if I said it hasn’t. But in comparison to his current health issues, that is the least of our worries. His health is my top priority, and through some very difficult circumstances, it’s been love that’s been keeping us going through it.

One thing we have always been able to appreciate is that there’s a whole lot of love in our relationship, which, obviously, I want to continue.

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8 thoughts on “Nurturing a love

  1. David Mei

    Love is many things and it follows its own course. Mileage varies and love adapts and changes as time moves on. You and your boyfriend hit on some good rules:
    1) always talk issues and conflicts to the end. My partner won’t let us end the day without making sure we agree what happened and where we are.
    2) Don’t go to bed angry. You may not have reached agreement by bedtime but make sure everyone feels heard even if not understood. We had a disagreement yesterday that took most of the day to resolve but before we went to bed she knew she was still and always be my Princess.
    Love endures all things. And is made up of a lot of apologies.

    Like

  2. I love the overall message of this post, Miss Violet! I believe that a relationship is the culmination of the love and effort that both partners put forth. No one is perfect, but when you learn to love someone’s imperfections….well, that is a beautiful thing ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Robert Bittner

    I was asked my a divorcing friend how my partner & I have stayed together for what is now 42 years. “We’re too dumb to know any better” was my response, when in fact it’s the exact opposite. Sure, we’ve had our near-separation moments. The first came after only 18 months together. She was pouring herself into the “we” while ignoring the “her”, never going out with friends, etc. “Marriage is a three-legged stool of me, you & us” I reminded her. “You negligence of one is destroying it”. That helped reframe the essence of any relationship: communication. Those other moments of near separation all occurred because we’d stopped really communicating, neglecting the us, but just as importantly, neglecting the “him” or “her” that endeared us to each other in the first place. Lastly, it was recognition that we NEVER stop changing throughout our lives, and to ignore that leads to lives of quiet desperation, leads to lies, leads to sacred destruction. Respecting and supporting each other’s yearnings have made the road less traveled part of the adventure.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s a really good analogy! It’s important not to lose yourself in the relationship (I have been guilty of that, my boyfriend encouraging me to get back to what I enjoy doing, after I realised I hardly done said hobbies in a while. That was a while back) making it about partnership and duality, teamwork etc. rather than the former. x

      Like

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