Confidence lockdown

You know when you have one of those nights when you’re having sex with your significant other and no matter what you’re doing, it just isn’t working? That’s what happened recently.

There I was, riding my handcuffed (with some gorgeous leather cuff I received as a Secret Santa gift) and blindfolded boyfriend. I did some sensual play with him, queened him, jerked his cock until he was shaking and all was going pretty darn good.

Until I started riding him.

No matter what we did, we just couldn’t get the angle right. Having ridden this guy more times than I have a bus, I couldn’t understand what the hell was going on this time. Turns out, it was ‘one of those nights’ almost every couple has at some point, where it just ain’t happening. 

After trying our go-to things to get back on track and a few different things (like uncuffing him so it would be easier to move around) honestly, I gave up. What sexual confidence I had left just hit rock bottom. I didn’t feel sexy and felt like I couldn’t even as the old saying goes, ‘get a porn star off’ if I tried. I got off him and sunk down next to him on the bed. He thinks I’m switching things up, then realises I’ve just stopped altogether. 

‘What…?’ he says. ‘Why’d you stop?’ 

He takes off his blindfold, the cuff still on one of his hands and turns to me. 

‘Why’d you stop?’ he asks me, wondering what’s wrong. 

‘Because I’m not doing it right.’ I say. 

‘What are talking about not doing it right?’ he says, ‘Of course you were!’ 

Honestly, in that moment I feel like bursting into tears. Despite his reassurances, I felt like I was well and truly shit at sex. Not to toot my own horn here, but I’m not bad at sex. Yeah, I may not be the most world-class dick pleaser on the planet, but I’m not terrible at it, or at least I like to think I’m not anyway. But I overthink. I do the ‘Am I doing this right? Is he liking it?’ but essentially falling into the trap I never thought I would: comparing myself to the porn I’ve been watching.

Aside from mainstream porn being very fake in means of it being fantasy, it has for me right now, reinforced some stuff regarding ability and confidence that’s done me more harm than good. It’s like running a sprint then wondering why you can’t do it like Usain Bolt. So I’m ditching it for the time being. I tend to gravitate towards more audio-based porn anyway, where I don’t have that comparison and can just use my imagination. So I think I’ll just stick to that right now. 

Plus, I was actually close to having an orgasm from sex alone, but it ran away at prospect of someone coming in due to the mattress squeaking, as it can when you’re on top of someone riding them into the next century. We have multiple people in the house, and on lockdown we can’t exactly be anything other than quiet as a mouse. Someone coming in wondering what’s going on, only to find us naked with him in bondage gear is not a situation we want! Suffice to say, lockdown is not helping when you want to just let loose! 

After some reassuring and talking, we carried on. We made love in missionary, with a whole load of clinging to him and kissing, and I was the more submissive partner once again. I felt much more comfortable and overall it turned out to be a nice night of lovin’. 

A few nights before, we had a really great night experimenting. He put me in the blindfold and cuffs, moved around however he liked, pleasured himself as I laid before him cuffed and blindfolded. I blew him and I tried a butt plug for the first time. This night was my turn playing with him, and it went down like a lead balloon. Perhaps I’m just not confident in being more dominant? It has been a while since I’ve done that, after all. 

So we started talking. I told him exactly how I felt and what insecurities were plaguing me. A lot of it is a body confidence thing. Yes, I’ve lost around a stone since last year, and I’m a few more (around 3) off where I feel most confident and like myself. Learning to love yourself along the way though is fucking hard. And in many ways, I don’t help myself on that front at all. 

Especially since the lockdown going on the UK right now, me and boyfriend are really upping our game for keeping fit and healthy. It’s just a case of persevering. I’m making sure I do some form of cardio (I personally like Billy Blanks workouts) dancing, walking, pilates and yoga, depending on what I feel and how my body feels that day, around five times a week.

I’m feeling pretty good about it. I love exercise and keeping healthy, and I really appreciate how encouraging my boyfriend is, making sure I stick to it, because he knows how much I want to do it. If you’ve seen on my Twitter, I’ve joked that I may have unwittingly unleashed a fitness Dom! 

He’s getting fitter, building on the muscle he already has (he’s in quite decent shape to begin with) and looking pretty darn sharp! His already strong arms are pretty much rock solid when he flexes them and his chest is a lot more muscular than it was before. So whenever he comes to me flexing and wanting me to feel him, needless to say I want to jump his bones! 

Overall, getting fitter will no doubt help with my sexual confidence. I admit, doing Sinful Sunday recently has helped and I plan on doing a few more photographs (minus my boobs and coochie for privacy). That and telling that self-doubt we all have to sit down and shut the fuck up. Hopefully that’ll happen sooner rather than later. 



15 thoughts on “Confidence lockdown

  1. collaredmichael

    I’m sure you were doing a good job of dominating him. By the way, you must have a really famous coochie & boobies! I mean if people see them they’ll know who you are! I’m impressed!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Michael 😊 He said he enjoyed it, which is great. Though for the most part his element is being the one taking charge, he was a very good a letting me take charge for a night lol 😂
      And oh if only! 😂 It’s mainly just maintaining privacy and just keeping some things between us really. X

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I know those nights far too well, when things just don’t want to fall in place and you can just not reach that point you want to reach. It’s so frustrating and really can make me feel like a failure, but my husband has taught me that these things can happen and it is what it is. I still get upset by them every now and then, but am much better with it than before, because, indeed, these things can happen. Good on the exercise, lovely!

    Rebel xox

    Liked by 2 people

    1. It certainly sucks to say the least when it happens and definitely doesn’t leave you feeling too great about yourself! 😣
      I need to remember that these things just happen sometimes, but I’ve a habit of beating myself that I need to remember at times to kick!
      Thank you Marie 😊


  3. I’ve been there and i get what you mean with the lock down too … My libido is in the tank and i’m not feeling sexy enough to wanna play and film for my LD Daddy, so its came to a stand still 😦

    Massive hugs and thanks for sharing

    S xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for commenting! 😊 It’s starting to revv back up again so we should be good fingers crossed 🤞 And I’m sorry you’ve not been feeling great, it does suck when that happens 😔 I hope you feel better soon lovely ❤️ V xo


  4. It is good that you put this down to one of things that happens to all couples as I think that is exactly right. Not only was your partner able to get things back on track once you spoke, but you were also able to identify factors which had likely played an influence so it sounds like it was a pretty good night, albeit not in the way you anticipated. We often find that these emotional dips really help our connection so I hope that was the case for you too 😊

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks missy 😊 It was just one of those things that happens and given the times it’s hardly surprising! All round though, apart from that it was a fun night 😊 It has definitely helped in our connection and us encouraging each other has helped both of our confidence lately x


  5. Pingback: I cried as soon as I came – Life of Violet

  6. David Mei

    Been there
    Had that happen
    Frustrating as hell
    Cuddles help and getting back in the saddle doesn’t hurt.
    My Kitten and I find that the better we feel about ourselves, the better we eat (avoiding sugar and processed foods as much as possible with portion control) performance improves.
    Thanks for sharing the not so good with the great. I love your posts.

    Liked by 1 person

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