You know when you have one of those nights when you’re having sex with your significant other and no matter what you’re doing, it just isn’t working? That’s what happened recently.
There I was, riding my handcuffed (with some gorgeous leather cuff I received as a Secret Santa gift) and blindfolded boyfriend. I did some sensual play with him, queened him, jerked his cock until he was shaking and all was going pretty darn good.
Until I started riding him.
No matter what we did, we just couldn’t get the angle right. Having ridden this guy more times than I have a bus, I couldn’t understand what the hell was going on this time. Turns out, it was ‘one of those nights’ almost every couple has at some point, where it just ain’t happening.
After trying our go-to things to get back on track and a few different things (like uncuffing him so it would be easier to move around) honestly, I gave up. What sexual confidence I had left just hit rock bottom. I didn’t feel sexy and felt like I couldn’t even as the old saying goes, ‘get a porn star off’ if I tried. I got off him and sunk down next to him on the bed. He thinks I’m switching things up, then realises I’ve just stopped altogether.
‘What…?’ he says. ‘Why’d you stop?’
He takes off his blindfold, the cuff still on one of his hands and turns to me.
‘Why’d you stop?’ he asks me, wondering what’s wrong.
‘Because I’m not doing it right.’ I say.
‘What are talking about not doing it right?’ he says, ‘Of course you were!’
Honestly, in that moment I feel like bursting into tears. Despite his reassurances, I felt like I was well and truly shit at sex. Not to toot my own horn here, but I’m not bad at sex. Yeah, I may not be the most world-class dick pleaser on the planet, but I’m not terrible at it, or at least I like to think I’m not anyway. But I overthink. I do the ‘Am I doing this right? Is he liking it?’ but essentially falling into the trap I never thought I would: comparing myself to the porn I’ve been watching.
Aside from mainstream porn being very fake in means of it being fantasy, it has for me right now, reinforced some stuff regarding ability and confidence that’s done me more harm than good. It’s like running a sprint then wondering why you can’t do it like Usain Bolt. So I’m ditching it for the time being. I tend to gravitate towards more audio-based porn anyway, where I don’t have that comparison and can just use my imagination. So I think I’ll just stick to that right now.
Plus, I was actually close to having an orgasm from sex alone, but it ran away at prospect of someone coming in due to the mattress squeaking, as it can when you’re on top of someone riding them into the next century. We have multiple people in the house, and on lockdown we can’t exactly be anything other than quiet as a mouse. Someone coming in wondering what’s going on, only to find us naked with him in bondage gear is not a situation we want! Suffice to say, lockdown is not helping when you want to just let loose!
After some reassuring and talking, we carried on. We made love in missionary, with a whole load of clinging to him and kissing, and I was the more submissive partner once again. I felt much more comfortable and overall it turned out to be a nice night of lovin’.
A few nights before, we had a really great night experimenting. He put me in the blindfold and cuffs, moved around however he liked, pleasured himself as I laid before him cuffed and blindfolded. I blew him and I tried a butt plug for the first time. This night was my turn playing with him, and it went down like a lead balloon. Perhaps I’m just not confident in being more dominant? It has been a while since I’ve done that, after all.
So we started talking. I told him exactly how I felt and what insecurities were plaguing me. A lot of it is a body confidence thing. Yes, I’ve lost around a stone since last year, and I’m a few more (around 3) off where I feel most confident and like myself. Learning to love yourself along the way though is fucking hard. And in many ways, I don’t help myself on that front at all.
Especially since the lockdown going on the UK right now, me and boyfriend are really upping our game for keeping fit and healthy. It’s just a case of persevering. I’m making sure I do some form of cardio (I personally like Billy Blanks workouts) dancing, walking, pilates and yoga, depending on what I feel and how my body feels that day, around five times a week.
I’m feeling pretty good about it. I love exercise and keeping healthy, and I really appreciate how encouraging my boyfriend is, making sure I stick to it, because he knows how much I want to do it. If you’ve seen on my Twitter, I’ve joked that I may have unwittingly unleashed a fitness Dom!
He’s getting fitter, building on the muscle he already has (he’s in quite decent shape to begin with) and looking pretty darn sharp! His already strong arms are pretty much rock solid when he flexes them and his chest is a lot more muscular than it was before. So whenever he comes to me flexing and wanting me to feel him, needless to say I want to jump his bones!
Overall, getting fitter will no doubt help with my sexual confidence. I admit, doing Sinful Sunday recently has helped and I plan on doing a few more photographs (minus my boobs and coochie for privacy). That and telling that self-doubt we all have to sit down and shut the fuck up. Hopefully that’ll happen sooner rather than later.