CONTENT NOTE: For anyone who is polyamorous, just to let you know I’m using very generalised language here (coming from someone who has only ever been in monogamous relationships) so please bear with me. Thanks. V x
Polyamory has been a topic of discussion with my boyfriend a few times in our relationship. Usually, it’s me probing the subject, by asking what the thought of opening up our relationship has on him.
Being a twenty-something and very sexually curious, I’d be lying if I said the thought of experimenting with opening up our relationship didn’t cross my mind out of curiosity. More so, being our number ones while being able to have sex with other people. (Edit note: Like swinging, for instance)
Does this mean I don’t value my relationship or I’m not happy in it? No. I love my boyfriend very much and want to build a life with him. I’m merely at a stage in my life where, within limits and reason, I’m up for trying anything once.
There are many things I never thought I’d like that upon doing it, I’ve found to love. Like my love of OTK spanking, for instance. When it comes to polyamory, the thought has intrigued me. I can fully understand and empathise love for multiple people. In my mind, the notion seems just as natural as monogamy. Throughout our relationship, we’ve found other people attractive. In as many words, we can look at and appreciate the menu, we just don’t order.
But what fits me and my boyfriend the most?
What I love about him, is that we have complete transparency in our relationship. Subjects that has caused arguments and doubt in many relationships I’ve witnessed, has not for us. I was able to tell him of my curiosities and him not think any less of me, or that I don’t want to be in a relationship with him anymore.
Our conclusions varied from ‘I can’t imagine it now, but we may change our minds later.’ to ‘Nah, we’re just not cut out for it.’ Given his busy schedule, my boyfriend is known to joke that he barely has enough time to be with one woman, let alone more than that!
Granted, I’m no expert in polyamory and open relationships (quite obvious), so I may be using very generalised language here. It brought out very honest, raw conversation in us and more introspection into how I view myself and my thoughts on relationships.
For example, I don’t get jealous if someone tries to flirt with my guy. At the end of the day, I know it’s me he comes home to. My usual feeling to this is: “I know right, girl?! Isn’t he hot?” I’m not particularly jealous in relationships, but I’d be lying if I said I don’t feel some green-eyed monster at times (acknowledging jealousy in polyamory does exist and no relationship, multiple or monogamous, is completely smooth sailing.) I describe it as territorial, “Hey, he’s mine. Back off.’ as opposed to the very unhealthy action of searching through his phone because he has female friends.
As well, it brought to light certain gender-based jealousies we may harbour. For example, on the sex front, I was curious about an MMF three-way. The idea of another man fucking me excited him. In reality however? Not so much. The idea of another woman fucking him (FFM) was, and still is, right now at least, a flat out no for me.
Call me insecure for that, you’d be right. It stems from the insecurity of: What if he decides he doesn’t want me anymore? The same goes for romantically involved as well. But that’s my cross to bear and I’ll happily own that. But ironically enough, the idea of me being fucked by another woman excites both of us. Strange how the green-eyed monster works, huh? And no, it’s not a “it’s not cheating if it’s gay” thing. Coming from someone who falls under the bi/pan umbrella, that notion has always annoyed me. Also to mention, cheating and polyamory are two very different things.
Our main reason for deciding otherwise, however, was nothing to do with jealousy. Upon discussing the subject earlier in the year (or last year I should say. Happy New Year, everyone!) he said something that hit the nail on the head for me.
In a very transparent conversation, he said the thought of opening up our relationship, both romantically and sexually, for him would take away the special “just us two” nature of our relationship. It’s like there’d be no point in us being in a relationship if we just opened it up, because of how we’re both wired towards exclusivity between two partners.
Right there, it clicked for me. That’s why the reality of opening up our relationship to other people, outside of fantasy land, makes me feel generally yucky. I simply don’t like sharing something I hold so dear. Some people might call that selfish, and maybe it is. Who knows.
But our shared thoughts on the matter is: the years of our relationship so far, the idiosyncrasies, the bonds of friendship and lovers as well as our intimacy, romantic and sexual? The thought of sharing those with someone else would to us, render what we have meaningless. It wouldn’t be as intimate. It wouldn’t be special for us. It just wouldn’t be us. And I’ll be honest, just the thought of being romantically involved with more than one person, while one might be capable of such, exhausts me.
Maybe we will experiment sexually with three-ways and the like in the future, if we decide to. Maybe we won’t. Either way, one thing is for certain. We’re not cut out for being polyamorous and I’m completely fine with that.
EDIT NOTE: Some language has been altered to clarify between polyamory and other acts like swinging and NSA relationships.