Do you think I’m sexy? I don’t.

I don’t feel sexy.

I suppose it’s a common perception that sex bloggers have a wild ol’ time, having lots of sex with lots of people, and I’m bouncing around in my lacy lingerie feeling like the sexiest motherfucker on the planet.

That’s not always my case. In fact, most of the time it’s not my case at all.

I struggle a lot with having a positive body image since I gained weight. I’ve been working damn hard to lose it, for myself and my overall health, and last time I checked, I’m little over two and half kilos off losing a stone (15lbs) which feels incredible.

No diets or magic pills, just good healthy food and exercise. That’s always been what’s worked best for me so far. Once I get to that milestone, it’s two/three more to go and I’ll be back to my healthiest (and most confident for me) weight of around the 11st range, that or there abouts.

But it’s difficult to love myself on the way to getting there. I champion feeling good about yourself and taking care of yourself, but taking my own advice in that department has never been my forte. I love to laugh, and take pride in appreciating the little things in life that really make a huge difference, but it’s difficult to practice self-love. Especially so in a world that tells me I won’t get far in life unless I’m deemed fuckable by society.

I’m exercising, I’m eating healthier than ever and taking the best care of myself I can right now, and I’m glad I’m making these positive changes for myself. I don’t like being like this so I’m changing it. I’m doing it for me, not for anyone else or just so some random person walking down the street might or might not think, ‘Yeah, I’d fuck her.’

I don’t obsess over numbers on a scale like I used to, but it’s giving me a reference point of how far I am on the road back to normal. Hormonal contraception side effects, not moving around as much as I used to, and stints of anxious overeating all contributed to me making these changes.

Being a sex blogger, you must be the pinnacle of sexual confidence, surely!

Nope. I’m not. I have a high sex drive yes, but that doesn’t mean I feel sexy. The last time I felt properly, wholly sexy was a LONG time ago, at 23, before the anxiety-induced breakdown and the physical effects that came with it.

My boyfriend tells me I’m beautiful, and it helps. The words make me feel warm and fuzzy and give me slither of hope. If he says it, it must be true, right? But I don’t feel it. Not really.

It sucks not wanting my picture taken, or even looking at myself in the mirror. It upsets me, thinking it was my own stupid fault and had I just not gone back on that pill when I did or kept the anxiety better under control I wouldn’t have ended up like that in the first place. To provide some context, I look particularly curvy but feel like a un-feminine, genderless blob.

Societal beauty standards aside here, it’s not me and just not good for my body. It’s difficult trying to explain to people who ask questions that no, I don’t just sit on my arse and eat crap, that I do anything but. Synthetic hormones were a bitch to me and when life dealt a hard blow, anxiety kicked me while I was down.

I’m not saying this for sympathy or to fish for compliments. I’m not a charity case to pity because she’s having an ‘I feel like shit’ moment.

Gradually I’m seeing the shell come away and my real self come out again. Gradually, I’m beginning to feel more positive about my exterior. Slowly but surely, the genderless blob is disintegrating through good self-care. Seeing the fruits of labour is helping my physical and mental wellbeing exponentially. It’s the not-beating-myself-up that I struggle with.

Do I feel sexy right now? Not really.Β But I’m working on it.

SB4MH

 

 

 

23 thoughts on “Do you think I’m sexy? I don’t.

  1. I feel you. I take even more photos of myself when I feel like shit. Because I deserve to be the recipient of my own admiration and worship. To be my own muse. I might not like every picture… but there is always one that makes me see the beauty I often forget is there. When I am PMSing though… fuck it. Lol I just have to let the self-loathing roll on through. Stupid society and its bullshit standards.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I couldn’t agree more Michael πŸ’ When I smile and laugh and dance, I feel beautiful and sexy 😊 When I’m having a “moment” like this, it can seem that weight is all I care about, when that isn’t the case. I used to not believe him at all but I accept his compliments much more graciously now! πŸ˜‚ Thank you Michael πŸ’πŸ’

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Listen to your boyfriend, listen to him telling you how beautiful you are. The feeling between you two matter the most and embrace the fuzzy feelings it gives you. Take little steps, we all know you can’t just ‘be confident’ like that. It takes time but at some point you’ll see yourself in the mirror and think “yes, I am beautiful”.
    Continue to look after yourself, sometimes you just need to know you’re going in the right direction.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you PurpleSole πŸ’πŸ’ I do need to believe him more and the warm and fuzziness it gives me definitely picks me up if I’m having a moment, like in this post I was. Taking better care of my health, mentally and physically, has been a lengthy process and a series of small victories. It still continues to be, as you say, you’re not just suddenly cured and confident overnight. And you’re absolutely right, just knowing I’m going in the right direction so far no matter what the pace has been a massive help. I do like my hair, my eyes and my skin has cleared up an awful lot recently, so when I do I’m like ‘ok honey I see you!’ πŸ˜‚ Just more baby steps until I start feeling more that way about the rest of me, but it’s getting there slowly but surely 😊 πŸ’

      Liked by 1 person

  3. The eye of the beholder gets a double outing here. The public perception that because you write about something you must be some super god/dess of that topic. I think this becomes even more exaggerated when the topic is sex and sex related.

    The personal perception of not feeling sexy is hard to counter. It sounds as if you’re implementing good steps to help on that front. Hopefully there will be a day when the mirror and the internal ‘glow’ will trigger a ‘Yessss’.

    melody x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Melody. At the moment it’s trying to build it back up through the little things, like ‘I like my hair, my eyes, my skin, my butt etc.’ gradually building it back up. Because less face it, no matter what size or shape you are, positive self esteem is something that has to, for me anyway, be done from the inside out.
      And completely agree, I’m a lover of sex but no Dr Ruth by a long shot!! πŸ˜‚

      Like

  4. I can relate. I don’t feel remotely sexy or fuckable in terms of my physical body either, also very much to do with my weight gain, which was also brought on by medications and inactivity due to illness (although I confess I don’t get anywhere near enough exercise even now). Your piece “I Don’t Know Why” was a really lovely counterpoint to those kind of negative feelings about one’s body, though. Your boyfriend obviously loves your body just as it is. If you want to lose weight for your own benefit, fine and bravo, but know that you’re beautiful no matter what you weigh. πŸ’–

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Well Jupiter I’m sure you definitely are sexy (it certainly reflects in your writing! 😊) but it is difficult to get one’s confidence back to what it was when certain things with life happens. Baby steps!
      And thank you so much for your kind words, they really do mean a lot πŸ’ It’s very much for myself and for my long term health 😊 xx

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I don’t feel particularly sexy most of the time and I definitely don’t have sex every day, because… life. I think many people has a misconception of sex bloggers. Most important of all is that you feel good about yourself, and the way you are getting back to where you want to be, and where you can see that you are as beautiful as your boyfriend says πŸ™‚

    Rebel xox

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Marie πŸ’ Plus let me just say, you are and you’re beautiful inside and out πŸ˜€
      Same, while sex all day every day sounds magnificent, it’s not going to the get the bills paid or the laundry done! πŸ˜‚ Unless that’s one’s profession of course!! Xx

      Like

  6. I know how you feel and I think it’s ok because it’s something we have to learn and fall with. I have no idea what you look like but you’re definitely sexy minded violet.
    Hope you’re well πŸ˜€

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I just looked it up and I got an idea πŸ˜€
        There’s nothing at all wrong with you if it’s polite to say that. As I said I struggle same as you and others but I guess you need to learn to love yourself. 😍

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Thank you 😘 I was around 2st smaller there but those are the only ones on my blog πŸ˜‚Yes I definitely do! Like I said on another comment, it’s a case of building it back up from the inside out so I can have a better self-image all round, 😊

        Like

  7. Pingback: Misconceptions & Smiles #SoSS #99 - Rebel's Notes

  8. So many of us have been there, right where you are. The hardest thing is to not beat ourselves up. Believing that we are beautiful, sexy, desirable when we’re not feeling it is the hardest thing. I am glad to read that you are gradually getting to a place where you are going to be happy with yourself.
    One day at a time.
    Happy Thoughts,
    Cat

    Liked by 1 person

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