Too close to home

Last night I had a nightmare. Aside from the dream not making much sense in terms of logistics (subconscious and all) the plot goes as so: I dreamt I found out I was pregnant and decided I couldn’t continue with the pregnancy due to a myriad of circumstances.

I was keeping this private, as it was my own business, and someone I trusted in confidence, had an ulterior motive and blabbed to everyone. A group of said people proceeded to harass and bully me for deciding to not have the baby or give them for adoption.

No matter how much I tried to explain my thought process and reasoning, they wouldn’t hear it. How could I consider that? How dare I when it was my own fault that I was pregnant? I’d made my bed, so I could lie in it.

In this dream, I knew I had used protection, but obviously it had not worked. This happens a fair amount to people where their chosen method of birth control fails. I am fully aware that pregnancy is a risk attached to sex no matter how much protection you use. No method is completely 100% effective.

Also as a little side note, I determined in this dream I was around two weeks pregnant.

I am pro-choice when it comes to matters such as birth control and abortion. My perspective is if you are against abortion then not to have one. Simple as. Criminalising abortion doesn’t make it go away, it only leads to dangerous methods from backstreet abortionists where many women die as a result.

In this dream, I had decided I couldn’t continue with the pregnancy for a number of reasons. My circumstances were incredibly poor and I wasn’t able to support a child etc. It was an unplanned pregnancy where the father in this dream, upon telling him, was disgusted with me as if I had duped him in some way.

I can’t imagine what this must be like for people who go through these circumstances. It was horrible for me and that was a few hours of my REM cycle. So IRL, I can’t possibly imagine it.

Now, when I say pro-choice, I don’t mean pro-abortion. In the discussion surrounding this, these two often get conflated. I am not pro-abortion. That’s not a situation I, or I’m sure anyone for that matter, wants to be in. I am pro-choice for people making their own decisions depending on their circumstances.

When I miscarried, and subsequently found out I was pregnant (early miscarriage where this happens to a lot of people) immediately, I felt that unbelievable strong bond between mother and child. Even though I was in no way fit or ready, the thought of abortion was out of the question. ‘Clump of cells’ or not, that was still my baby.

That is how I reacted though, and gives me no right whatsoever to tell somone else what they should or shouldn’t do.

Could I if, God-forbid, it happened again? I don’t know. I sincerely hope not. Reason being, that it would mean the contraception failed again like last time. I can’t go through that again, and on many occasions, it’s made me seriouly consider saying no to having children altogether, when the time comes for me to decide.

I see so many anti-abortion arguments that paint those who have them as people that just can’t be bothered to wrap it up or just ‘keep their legs closed’ as it were. It’s really not like that.

Since miscarrying, having the odd pregnancy related nightmare has happened more often than before. Before it was from insecurity. After, it’s come from genuine fear.

It’s not really something I see talked about and wonder if this happens with other people.

Either way, even though it doesn’t happen often, it’s no less unpleasant when it does.


All my love,

Violet xx

12 thoughts on “Too close to home

  1. I completely understand your pov. I am pro choice. I believe abortion should be legal and available. Too many women have been killed or sterilised by back street abortions. I can think of only 2 scenarios where I personally could consider an abortion.. a rape conception (which is now rare thanks to the morning after pill) or serious fetal defect whereby the baby wouldn’t survive birth/is in pain..

    I strongly believe every child deserves to be wanted. When MrH said he didn’t want any more I was sterilised to prevent pregnancy because I knew if we got pregnant we would not terminate the pregnancy, and I didn’t want that feeling. S2 was unplanned but so wanted by me that when I told MrH I was pregnant I gave him the you can walk away from this speech. He didn’t and I don’t think he has regretted that choice.

    Having now had a hysterectomy I definitely don’t have to worry about contraception- although I have had a few dreams where I am pregnant… go figure lol

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I completely agree with you. If God forbid something like that happened to me and ended up pregnant as a result there is no way I could go through with it. Considering what’s happening in the US where women are being held back from abortion in cases of rape and incest, I can’t imagine what that’s like.
    Most cases around me where the pregnancy has been unplanned have gone on to have the baby, if not I don’t know as that’s entirely their own business and not mine at all. But in the cases where they’ve had the child they couldn’t be happier.
    I’m very lucky with my boyfriend as I knew straight from the off if I became pregnant unexpectedly and we decided to go through with it, he wouldn’t do a runner. He loves babies and is brilliant with kids all round, so I know they’d have their Dad around and I wouldn’t be on my own! Xx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. collaredmichael

    The situation in the US is bad. They are becoming more like Gilead every day. A corrupt and terrible leader like Trump contributes to the problem. But I am also pro choice. It’s a choice that could be taken away by militant leaders at any time though. Sad.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Mirroring something that Margaret Atwood said: Oppressive, totalitarian regimes always have a fascination, near obsession with reproductive autonomy. It’s a means of control and of you replace the term ‘pro-life’ with ‘forced childbirth’, you might see it very differently.
      I know people and have friends who are pro-life for themselves but pro-choice generally speaking, even if it’s something they disagree with they understand it and vice versa. It’s the individuals who are trying to put into law bans and restrictions and such, like in Alabama, that I have an issue with.
      It is very Gilead-like and it’s incredibly troubling to see. Xx

      Liked by 1 person

  4. This is a really fascinating post. This is not a topic I have ever felt to be one I could have a truly valid opinion. I can listen to the logical, moral and even religious arguments with a degree of comprehension, but for obvious reasons the deep emotional aspect is one I’m not capable of following, such as you describe here. This is even more apparent when you talk about your miscarriage, I had a lump in my throat reading the whole post and especially this part.

    You make a great distinction between pro-choice and pro-abortion. I will always argue for the first and consider my perspective on the second to be largely irrelevant in that it is a personal choice of the woman concerned.

    Thank you very much for posting this. I hope it’s not a recurrent nightmare.

    melody xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you melody xx It is a very clear distinction (to me, anyway) and it does really sting when you say you’re pro-choice and someone accuses you of being for infanticide. Anything but. The pregnancy insecurity dream is more recurring since miscarrying, but in means this particular nightmare, this is the first time like this it’s happened so ferociously. Majority of the time it’s loved ones trying to calmly talk me out of it xx


  5. Like you, I am pro-choice, which doesn’t mean I am pro-abortion, or pro-anything else you can come up with. I believe we all should be able to make our own decisions where our bodies are concerned. And, as for backstreet abortions: if my father had his way, I would’ve had one when I fell pregnant with my daughter at the age of 16… I don’t even want to think about what could’ve happened.

    Rebel xox

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Jesus Marie that’s awful, I’m sorry you had to even had that as a possibility. I don’t want to think about what could have happened either, and I’m very glad you’re well with your daughter in your life 💝 xx
      Exactly, to me it never made much sense why someone who doesn’t know me or my circumstances would have a greater say over what happens in adverse circumstances than I do, unless it’s a medical emergency or I’m compromised in some way where I can’t make the decision myself xx


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