Collars and cuffs

As you know, me and my boyfriend aren’t in any kind of D/s and/or BDSM arrangement. So neither of us wear a collar in our everyday lives.

I love the aesthetic of collars, or anything that could represent a collar. I like high necked garments and have always liked chokers, particularly those in satin, velvet, or Victorian Gothic style with the frilled lace and large jewels in the centre.

This love of chokers started off pretty early (hey, I’m a 90s kid, they were all the rage back then!) along with being exposed to Gothic fashions growing up, with vampire stories and with family holidays to Whitby, aka Goth central. Put it this way, I was completely enthralled by the diamond choker the Duke gives Satine in Moulin Rouge. 😍

Obviously as I became an adult, that grew into a appreciation for them in a BDSM context.

However when it comes to chokers/collars in a BDSM context, like for example, wearing one full time, is something I personally wrestle with. Personally, it’s not something I can do. In ten, twenty years maybe? I’m not sure. But right now and for the foreseeable future, no.

The thought of wearing a collar for aesthetic reasons is what I am most drawn to, or on those days where I just feel particularly kinky, because it’s very much a part of me.

You can’t take the kink out the girl, that much is for certain. I like the feel, I like the silhouette it gives. It feels stylish as well as a bit naughty.

Personally, I love the chokers and collars that are one you’d wear for a special occasion or going somewhere snazzy. Like this one for instance:

It’s so pretty!! 😍

However, the thought of wearing one all the time as a sign of commitment to a dominant partner is a notion that causes some inner conflict.

Upon learning the connotations behind collaring (some say it’s like a wedding ring for kinky people) I find it quite a beautiful concept.However with the words ‘owned’, ‘collared’ and ‘belonging to’ coming into play, it strikes the chords of ‘you aren’t anyone’s property, you are your own person’ in me, despite knowing this is not an abusive gesture in consensual arrangements.

This is attributed to my fiercely egalitarian upbringing, with both parents being survivors of domestic abuse at the hands of previous spouses. Both Mum and Dad drilled into me and my sister never to let anyone control us the way they had been, in their best efforts to protect their two daughters.

So even now, despite my learning, that if hypothetically speaking, me and boyfriend entered a full time D/s arrangement and liked the idea of me wearing something that represents a ‘collar’ I couldn’t do it all the time. It still strikes those chords of control that hit me in a negative way, rather than one that is exciting between consenting partners.

Temporarily though? Yeah, why not? As far as collar/choker wearing goes, it’s simply because I like the look and when I’m in one of my ‘cutesy kinky’ moods. Or as part of kinky sex.

Cuffs I usually associate with restraints, like leather cuffs, satin, lace cuffs etc. Or handcuffs. I’ll be honest I may have had a few dirty thoughts surrounding handcuffs when I’ve seen a particularly handsome officer. *Blushes and hides* I know, I’m a walking cliché!

However, recently I’ve discovered the aesthetic of wearing cuffs on their own, though I’m yet to try it. Like my love of Victorian style or pretty jewelled-esque chokers, I quite like the same in cuffs, like lace.

I know that lace cuffs in particular (in a non-BDSM context) are quite popular in Japanese street fashions and that’s where I found the idea of wearing as an accessory, like the collar, quite appealing, as well as during kinky times behind closed doors.

As you can see I do have quite a girly, feminine taste in my preferred collar and cuffs attire, but like I was talking about in a past post about my taste in clothes being the same, it’s kind of a no brainer for me. Plus, I figured if you’re gonna do it, why not go the whole nine yards! 😂

All my love,

Violet xx

*Pictures – Pinterest

6 thoughts on “Collars and cuffs

  1. Great post Violet… 5 years ago if you’d have said to me I would wear a collar and revel in the idea of being MrH’s I would have said the same things. Coming from an abusive childhood myself I completely understand your point of view. The song “you don’t own me” was one of my favourites… but… right now ttwd is right for us and we have that trust and I feel safe enough to do so.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Those are beautiful pictures and I rather envy that you can wear them as fashion accessories.

    Your reservations about some of the language associated with collaring are very understandable, it’s something I struggled with for a long time and decided I wasn’t cut out for it, either. What I could feel inside I was uncomfortable imbuing a collar with the all that symbolism.

    Today I have a pendant necklace. It’s not called a collar so the difficult symbolism is avoided, but by most definitions it is a collar. My great surprise after all these years of avoiding the terminology of collars is how comforting I find the physical presence of that necklace.

    I’m still admiring the pictures 😉

    melody x

    Liked by 1 person

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