Honestly, I didn’t know how I was going to write this. I’ve been thinking about it for so long and tried writing it multiple times, only for it to be deleted.

Truthfully, I’m feeling really sad today. I’ve been ill all week with a stomach bug, not been able to go out and feeling a little snowed under with coursework. On top of the myriad of hormones in my first withdrawal bleed since coming off the pill. So you can imagine I’m feeling a little shitty.

Also, time not being able to concentrate on everyday things has given me time to reflect. This can be a blessing and a curse for me. Right now, it’s a big, fat curse. I’ve noticed over the last few months, especially recently with a lot of family birthdays coming up, I’m treating things with a more “motherly” approach.

This isn’t a bad thing, but it stirs up a lot of emotions. Those around me often say I can be motherly in my nature, but it’s only been since the miscarriage when I’ve truly felt “motherly” in my approach to certain things i.e. kids’ birthdays, if that makes any sense at all.

At the same time, I also feel guilty. I feel guilty because mine was one of those cases that is often mistook for a really heavy period, either being late or happening around the same time as your cycle. I feel guilty for being so upset with it being so early on, afraid of being judged by others. I know this often isn’t the case, but truthfully I still get scared to be so fully open about it for fear of judgement. Feeling like am I just making a big deal out of nothing or that because it was so early on, I shouldn’t be upset.

I suppose what added to those feelings was having the unfortunate circumstance of a doctor who didn’t take me seriously. Truthfully, I don’t see this doctor at all (after they rather patronisingly attributed a serious health concern in the past to my anxiety, without actually checking me. I had to go to another doctor who thankfully listened, took said concern seriously and told me it was understandable for me to be concerned and did right to have it checked.) but they were the only doctor I could be fit in with on an emergency appointment that day.

Being cut off when asked why I thought I might be pregnant isn’t pleasant. I don’t ask to be treated like royalty, I just ask to be listened to. Also, when asked if I’d missed any pills and replied no, it was like I couldn’t possibly get pregnant if that was the case. My mention of symptoms like feeling sick in the mornings and evenings, strong food aversions (namely scrambled eggs. Had to shut myself in the bedroom and open the doors as wide as they could go, in bitterly cold winter, to let out the smell or I would have been very sick) veiny, very sore boobs etc. It was too early to take a test and by the time it was green light for test time, the bleeding was in full swing.

Among being doubled over in pain, completely bleeding through 4 super absorbent night time pads in the space of 2 hours with massive blood clots all over (I’ve had heavy periods, but never like that) fell on deaf ears. If that wasn’t going to be taken seriously, I knew “just feeling different” wasn’t going to be either.

I was told it can happen (to be fair, they didn’t completely dismiss that) but it was “rare”. While I’m no doctor nor try to act like I know better, I do know according to the NHS, the pill, in typical use, can have a failure rate as high as 9%. So 9 women in every 100 within a year would get pregnant. When you think of just how many women use the pill, that’s A LOT of women. So definitely not as “rare” as some may think.

I know friends who have got pregnant on the pill on top of using condoms. My sister, when I spoke to her, knows of at least seven women who got pregnant on the pill whilst taking it perfectly on time. I’m not besmirching the pill as a contraceptive, but to say it is “rare” to get pregnant on the pill makes me uneasy. I was also told miscarriages didn’t slow down and speed up again. From the women I’ve spoke to who have also experienced miscarriages, I now know they can.

Suffice to say, I felt very alone during that time. My symptoms stopped pretty much immediately, I felt more drained than I ever had in my life (couldn’t get out of bed for three days post-doc’s visit) and spent the next month wondering if I’d just lost my marbles and it was just stupid Violet with her stupid anxiety. My next cycle being completely normal and none of the symptoms, pre, during or post. I’ve never experienced this before or since. It confirmed my suspicions and I was heartbroken, as was my boyfriend.

During that time, I had such a strong urge to apologise to him. He’s great with kids, turns to jelly whenever he sees a baby and would be a great father. For that, I wanted so badly to apologise to him as if to say, “I’m sorry I can’t give you what you want.” I was also frightened it would cause a rift between us, heaven forbid break us up. I told him this, and he told me I had nothing to be sorry for, it wasn’t my fault and he wasn’t going anywhere. I knew this, but it was still difficult not to feel it.

I found a lot of comfort from online forums, knowing I wasn’t alone in what had happened to me and I wasn’t just going crazy.  Despite this, when trawling the internet for something to say I hadn’t lost my marbles was coming across many miscarriage support articles, but only catering for couples who’s pregnancies were planned. I’d come across taglines like “Frightened to try again for a baby.” I’m not trash talking those who are trying for a baby, (and those who are, I warmly wish you every success in getting your own bundle of joy!) everyone needs support, when I say this. I’d think:

But what if we weren’t trying? 

What about us who didn’t mean to get pregnant?

Is there any support geared just for that as well? If so, where can I find it? 

That was where the online forums came in. They were the only source of support I could find that wasn’t for those already trying to conceive. Plus, my family and friends were amazing. Honestly, if it wasn’t for friends and family’s support around me and my boyfriend I don’t know how we’d be.

I now knew what my mother was talking about when she said, “once you know a baby’s there, you’ve never known a love like it.” I never thought you could feel that much love for something, and that’s coming from someone who wears her heart proudly on her sleeve.

While having children isn’t particularly high on my list for a long while at the very least, I would have loved that baby with all my heart and tried to be the best mother I could. It still hurts and while I carry on normally with my life, I still have days where out of nowhere, it’ll hit me and I’ll get upset. Today is one such day.

 

All my love,

Violet xx

 

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