I was inspired to write this post after reading a great post by submissy.

Over the last few months I’ve shared so many things with you all regarding me delving head-first in to my kinks, wanting to experience Dominance and submission, the works. Recently, I’ve been seeing more posts from educators and those in D/s relationships talking about accuracy in information online, the concept of “one true way” to do (x) and how turning to erotic novels as a “how-to” so to speak, doesn’t represent the reality of D/s relationships and marriages.

They’ve all been super interesting to read and coming from a newbie, it’s been brilliant to see the raw realities of what it’s like for real people, rather than relying solely on fantasy.

Relationships in general aren’t easy. D/s, from my limited knowledge and understanding, definitely isn’t easy.

I enjoy writing erotica and have thoroughly enjoyed exploring BDSM themes in stories, but by no means would I try to say, “Yes, reader. This is exactly what a D/s relationship is like.”

It’s concerned me when I read some BDSM themed books in the past, where from start to finish there’s little to no negotiation, the sub (usually female) is thrown straight in to the deep end, the Dom knows exactly what spots to hit to guarantee multiple orgasms etc. As well, the Dom exerting behaviour that in the real life BDSM scene, would be considered massive red flags.

It’s uncommon to see much of things like sub or Dom drop, when a scene goes wrong, realistic challenges the Dom and sub face and just general life happening around them. Being a reader of erotic fiction, that’s something in D/s fiction I’d like to see more of.

It’s relatable and connecting. It shows there’s no such thing as a “perfect” D/s relationship or “one true” cookie cutter way of being Dominant, submissive, switch, whichever. Anyone who tells you there’s only “one true way” is talking complete garbage. It’s what works best for you and your partner(s) in a safe, consensual environment.

When we write, we’re creating a fantasy world for us and the readers to lose themselves in. Things that wouldn’t happen in every day life and creating a world that you have complete control over. That being said, I believe with that control comes a responsibility.

I’m not meaning to trash talk any erotica writers by any means, I fully support other authors and thoroughly enjoy reading their work.

I feel that with certain readers believing from fiction that’s the reality of D/s, because it’s one (or an only) point of reference (as we’ve seen happen with Fifty Shades of Grey) that it’s important to thoroughly research your subject and be mindful of safety.

For example, being ordered to your knees and told you’ll be completely obedient to your hot boss might be hella hot in fantasy land, but in reality? That is a major red flag to run for the hills. In a book or movie getting flogged and it getting “that sweet spot” on your lower back may look good, but in reality that’s a big no-no, for risk of things like kidney damage. Yep, definitely not sexy!

I’m definitely no expert, but like anything we write, it’s imperative we do our research like we would any other subject to ensure its accuracy co-exists with the fantasy.

All my love,

Violet xx

*Picture – Pinterest