It was November last year when I sat down for the first time and properly accessed a porn site.

Yep, I didn’t sit down and watch adult performers doing what they do best until I was 23. It felt surreal, clicking on to a well known porn site in search of erotic spanking porn to finally see what all the fuss was about.

Many people I know came across porn in their teens, and while I came across it by accident many times (usually by one of the group of friends finding either a magazine or a then-much talked about porn picture or movie, passing it round for everyone to see on their phone) I never tuned in myself.

I was taught in my teens that porn could be very degrading towards both women and men, cheapening what is meant to be a loving union between two people. Given both my parents’ quite conservative upbringings in the 60s and 70s, their negative experiences with previous partners, and that it was the widespread general consensus at the time, it’s perfectly understandable why they felt this way. That and including wanting to protect their two then-teenage daughters, like any parent would.

In many ways, I’m glad I didn’t tune in to looking at porn until my early twenties. My perspectives in my teens were very different to what they are now, so I wouldn’t have been able to form an informed opinion without a huge emotive response coming in to play, raging hormones and all.

I remember clear as day what the first video I watched was. A man and woman doing reverse cowgirl on a bed while he spanked her. After a while, they finished off doggy style with him coming on her back. To be honest, my thoughts were: Is that it? All the massive fuss people make about porn and that was it?

After a little while more of searching, I came across a British company specialising in erotic films. Now this is more my cup of tea! I thought. This essentially became a springboard in to me finding other porn with its similar, sensual tones that I found to enjoy.

The last few months have been essentially seeing what professional porn is out there and to learn more about a massively talked about element in sexuality. So as you’ve gathered, I’ve seen quite a bit of porn in the last nine months.

In many ways, porn has been positive and helpful for me. It’s made me more imaginative in the bedroom (and learning my leg-behind-my-head flexibility is a thing of the past! xD) open to trying new things etc. It’s helped spark writing ideas at times and has helped my own sexual confidence in many ways. I also came across some fabulous educational talks by reputable and respected performers and learned more about professional sex work as a whole.

It’s enabled me to access brilliant content from sex workers who run blogs and learn more about their activism and certain progressions in the industry, i.e. genderqueer porn. I have absolutely nothing against adult performers, other sex workers etc. and firmly believe in proper protections, support etc. to ensure their safety.

But also, it’s widely acknowledged that there are those who have struggled with how much porn they consume. For them, it negatively affected their personal and professional lives. With this has come the intense debate online and among psychiatric experts of, “Is porn addictive?”. Some say yes, some say no.

I’m not qualified to say whether it is or is not. I can only offer my own thoughts. My own personal take is, like caffeine, sugar etc. yeah, they can feel good as a pick me up in a cup of tea, but if you have say seven cups of coffee a day constantly, that’s not going to be good for you. Everything in moderation.

When I say this, I’m not blaming porn or anyone for that matter. I mean it’s important to acknowledge that everyone’s brains respond to stimuli differently, and providing the appropriate help and support systems for those who are struggling with certain effects of these responses etc. Some people may feel sexually empowered while others may feel insecure. Some may have found it to improve their sex lives, while others have found it to cause sexual dysfunction etc.

I’m all for sexual progression and positivity. But I feel some, when it comes to folks who have struggled, have metaphorically put their hands to their ears and gone, “LALALALALALA!!!” turning a blind eye to negative responses to porn in the name of progression, which personally I don’t agree with.

So essentially what I’m trying to say is, my own experiences have taught me to be mindful on how it makes me personally feel, which isn’t bad to be honest! Personally now, I can just take it or leave it.

Also, it’s helped me to progress in my own sexual knowledge and be part of the wider conversation, acknowledging both sides of the discussion, and with my own experiences, form my opinions from there.

All my love,

Violet xx

*Picture – Pinterest