No, I won’t take your derogatory comments about my body anymore.

Disclaimer: This post contains sensitive topics surrounding bereavement, mental health and body image. Reader discretion is advised.

If there’s one thing that hacks me off more than anything, it’s people making very unwanted comments about one’s body.

Well it wouldn’t kill you to put on a few pounds.

Well that’s not very slimming, is it?

Urgh, you’re so skinny! Just put some weight on!

Eat that chocolate, you fat bitch!

You know guys like something they can get a hold of right?

And my personal favourite…

You’ll get fat if you eat that!

I’ve had all of these thrown at me over the years, experiencing both sides of the spectrum, 9/10 from complete strangers.

Along with the looks, the typical eyes wander up, eyes wander down, then back up to you with that dirty look of “How dare you not be how I think you should be?” And after someone did this to me just the other day, quite frankly, I’ve well and truly had enough of it.

This is what annoys me. People feeling like they have a right to make derogatory comments to you about your exterior when they know nothing about what’s going on in your life. Even then, it’s still not ok. I’ve seen it happen to friends and family, being approached by strangers who get off on hurting others in this way or just plain ignorant. As long as you’re happy and healthy, why should any of that matter?

Now if someone’s saying “Honey, you haven’t eaten all day, you need to get something down you.” or “No I have to stay away from (x) because it affects my heart.” etc. That’s different. That’s out of concern for someone’s health and not being a jerk about it.

But someone having that, “I don’t like the outside of you so I’m going to make you feel bad about it.” philosophy just disgusts me.

Now, all of you know a few months ago I struggled with severe anxiety after losing my grandfather, along with one of the cats having to be put down just before Christmas.

I was in a high pressure job where all you could think about was the job in front of you. It was sleep, eat, work 14 hours, go home, sleep, repeat. No time whatsoever to yourself or to wind down, and absolutely no time to grieve.

So I comfort ate as a way to cope. There was no time to process so food became my crutch and overall I gained around 30lbs.

Also, some other things happened in my life at that time that was very hard to process. I’d tried to write post after post and ending up deleting all of them.

I wanted to talk about them as I didn’t want to hide away from it and I find writing to be a very healing thing.

It’s something that needs to be talked about and isn’t talked about enough but I didn’t know what to say, how to say it and not feeling ready to talk.

When I got sick with Australian flu as said job finished (It was a two months contract, grandfather passed away one week in) my mind finally had some thinking room and in one fell swoop, two months of pent up grief and anxiety erupted out of me like a volcano. To cut a long story short, I had a breakdown.

Not the type where you’re a threat to yourself, but the kind where I was so severely anxious I was frightened to leave my own bed at one point (the fact I was flu-ridden and throwing up being the trigger for that one).

I was terrified to leave the house and I was in a constant state of panic from the second I woke up to the second I went to sleep.

I got the help I needed from my GP and was prescribed some medication to help, which I can now say it definitely has done and I’m feeling better than I have in a long time.

But the final nail in the coffin was not long after coming back from Aussie flu, I had an early miscarriage.

Though I had my suspicions I may have been pregnant, I just put it down to coming back from a really rough time. I couldn’t take a test as it was far too early to tell and the chances of me being so were quite slim.

But things happen. I won’t go in to the graphic details, but I didn’t properly know I was pregnant until I was miscarrying. I would have been around 2-4 weeks so you can’t really get much earlier.

Just because we weren’t planning on children any time soon if at all, doesn’t mean we were any less upset. Me and my partner were absolutely heartbroken. As early on as it was, that was still what would have been our first baby.

Anyone who’s gone through that knows it’s not something you’d wish on your worst enemy. The physical exhaustion, the feelings of shame and guilt despite knowing it wasn’t your fault, the depression, the works. In that situation there’s no choosing to look after yourself, you need to.

That’s why after what happened a few days ago, I’d just had enough. We all need to take care of ourselves and I needed to. Societal norms have never been particularly high on my list and after that it was thing I’d ever think about. Normally I just think, “water off a duck’s back” and brush it off to ignorance.

But this time it made me angry. Not only angry at the situation but angry for anyone who had been affected, upset, etc. by something like that, verbal or otherwise. What matters is what’s on the inside (I know that sounds clichΓ© but it’s true).

I felt like saying, “If you’d stop judging and actually know what’s happened you wouldn’t be doing that.” It put a massive bee in my bonnet and I’ve not been able to shake it.

I don’t hate my body anymore. I used to, but I don’t now. It’s gone through a lot, withstood a lot. I’ve eaten healthier than ever and work out regularly. Does that mean I can’t love my body along the way to a fitter, healthier me? Of course I can!

It’s strong, all mine and I’m proud of that. Like many of us, I went through a really crappy time and I’m certainly not going to apologise for that, just because I don’t happen to conform to an ignorant person’s ideal.

My mental state is better than it has been in a long time and it’s so great to actually feel positive for the first time in ages. That what matters more than anything to me, I actually feel happy and I’m grateful to be surrounded online and offline by such wonderful people.

All I can do is just implore that before you make an outward judgement on someone, just think about what might be going on in their life first, as we never know until we actually know that person.

Be kind to yourselves, folks πŸ’“

All my love,

Violet xx

24 thoughts on “No, I won’t take your derogatory comments about my body anymore.

  1. Oh violet… I am so sorry to hear that you have been going through so much! I am glad you are under a doctor’s care and getting the help you need. I admire your positive and supportive attitude about yourself, what you’ve been through, and your body. You are so right…our bodies go through so much and we need to love them. Sending you and your partner hugs during this time ❀

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you so much Nora πŸ’“ Your and everyone’s support during that time really kept me going through those days when I was at work at finding it really difficult, so thank you πŸ’“ I’d had some therapy last year for anxiety (I’ve had it in varying degrees for quite a while) where they teach you all the tools to help you control it and I was doing fantastic, but life happens and I just needed a little extra help. I still have my moments but it’s nothing like what it used to be thank goodness and I’m pretty much back to regular ol’ me 😊
      It was a very difficult time but we’ve come out of it much stronger people, individually and in our relationship. Thank you for all your support, it really means a lot πŸ’“ xx

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Great Post. Honest and it needs to be said. And heeded. We all have body image issues. And I suspect people who are critical of other people, especially strangers, are expressing out loud, their own internal body image issues. That said, being the target of their criticism still hurts.
    BTW, is Australian flu a variant of real influenza or euphemism for some other disease? This Yank bloke doesn’t know,

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for your kind words David πŸ’“ It is an unfortunate circumstance where some displace those insecurities on to other people when they’re hurting inside (we’ve all been guilty of that at some point) but others are just plain cruel with it and it’s a horrible thing to see/experience.
      Australian flu was a really nasty strain of flu that’s been making the rounds this winter. I think the first cases were in Australia hence it’s name? (I may be wrong on that) and quite a few people died from it.
      Easily once of the worst flus I’ve ever had; I was in bed for about two weeks!
      Take care x

      Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s exactly what I’m doing 😊 You’re always taught to brush it off but that doesn’t mean it still didn’t get to me to some degree because couldn’t figure out why people thought it was ok to do that. It may sound a little vain I know but it just got me so riled up a few days ago because it’s so shallow when there’s more important things to think about. Thank you xx

      Liked by 2 people

  3. I am way behind on my reading. Just getting to this. I’m so glad you are getting help. I’m also so glad to have met you on line. You exhibit a lot of really great qualities and I’m proud to call you friend.
    I’m sad that you miscarried. From experience I know how difficult that time can be. Life can be so unfair and yet it offers hope and good times too!! All the best and as Nora said, keep the fact that you have blogger friends all over the world in the back of your mind. We’re here to support you through thick and thin.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Michael, reading this brought me to tears. You are an absolute darling and been so supportive since I set up the site again. You are a brilliant friend and it makes me very happy you think of me so πŸ™‚
      I agree, life can throw us some curveballs but it’s how we keep going and bounce back that really counts. I’m incredibly grateful for all the support and community of all you guys ❀ I'm much better now, I'm really surprised by how quick I've managed to bounce back but still got a way to go naturally πŸ™‚
      The feeling's very much mutual for everyone else on WordPress I've come know to be there for you guys through thick and thin πŸ™‚ Thank you, Michael ❀ xxx

      Like

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