I had a really interesting conversation with a friend yesterday. She had been speaking to her friend, a Dom, asking him a few questions about D/s (she’s given me her permission to mention her in the post).

She openly admits BDSM isn’t her thing at all, but is curious to find out more considering one of her good friends is a Dominant. He’s a very respectful gentleman who treats all his subs very well.

The topic of the conversation she had with me and him was her own questions and concerns surrounding submission.

She said: “I don’t think I could be a sub. I’m frightened I’d be perceived as weak.”

Just to clarify, she did not mean this in a mocking way. She was genuinely concerned that (hypothetically speaking) she would be thought of as weak by those around her and other Dom/mes for simply being submissive.

Given many conceptions in wide circles that submission is just simply being ordered around whether you like it or not, I could understand her concern, as these were my own concerns before I started looking more in to it.

Unfortunately, there are people out in the world that are like this, vanilla or kinky. There are good and bad in every walks of life.

He reassured her that, with good people who know what they’re doing, that wasn’t the case. Him, with years of experience under his belt, explained that he never thinks of his subs as weak, in fact quite the opposite.

He thinks them incredibly strong just to be able to give their submission, that he would never do this with anyone who didn’t want to. Also, that what happened in their dynamic was agreed beforehand in what she is comfortable with doing. I echoed this view when she spoke to me about this.

I understand there’s  a lot of discussion surrounding the concepts of “submission if a gift”. I don’t feel anywhere near knowledgeable or qualified enough to comment on that. But whichever way someone gives their submission, male or female, to me I see you as a strong person and my hat goes off to you.

Someone pointing the finger and laughing at someone for being submissive, if I’m being honest, really grinds my gears. Especially so when the judgement is targeted towards male subs. Just because a guy may not be a Dominant definitely doesn’t mean he isn’t strong. Far from it. Male subs are some of the strongest people I know.

There’s so much judgement and perception in society, for both men and women, of “you have to be like x, y, z etc.” and fit in to this little box. So to be able to be your true self and accept that in yourself (be it Dom/me or sub, male or female), takes some serious balls to do.

All my love,

Violet xx

Disclaimer: Anyone who is new to these posts, I am not a BDSM expert/educator. I am speaking from my own (incredibly limited) thoughts and experience as someone new to researching/exploring this lifestyle

*Picture – Pinterest